Sunday, November 30, 2008
The shoe falls
After a few weeks of wackiness and high-falootin' mania, the downward spiral has arrived. It happens every year at this time. I read back through all my November posts for the past 4 years and its like clockwork.
I left F'burg this morning feeling numb. Sorry for myself. Just plain sorry. I knew the mood was settling when I ran into someone I knew from high school at Sheetz when I stopped to get gas last night and couldn't even manage a civil conversation. I prophesized that it was coming and with a heavy sigh, I acknowledge that it is officially here. Its a shame because I had a nice weekend with my mother and it shouldn't end this way.
So here you go, operating instructions for Stephanie Cake's Crappy Holiday Season. Read on and then leave me alone until Christmas:
The spiral includes depression, social anxiety and self pity. I will feel like a lot of people are out to get me. And the rest have forsaken me. My sense of humor will be seriously compromised . The response from everyone around me will range from pity to annoyance and either way it will irritate the piss out of me.
I don't know why I feel this way. Its not your fault. It's no one's fault. Its just me. Its chemical and behavioral. Asking me about it makes me angry. This will pass. It always does. If you've known me for any respectable length of time, you know I'm moody as hell. Several times a year I become unbearable. I can't even stand myself. Your cheerful requests for me to smile are not going to help
I will cry at inappropriate times for no good reason at all. I will feel the need to apologize for every horrible injustice I have ever committed. Yet at the same time I will feel an overwhelming sense of entitlement from everyone I know. I will be intense but not interested in very much.
I will drive places and not remember how I got there. I will walk into rooms and forget why I came. Everything around me will be less impressive... although occasionally something will catch my eye and I will remember the world is vibrant and its speeding along without me and that will cause me to break down.
I should be medicated but I can't do that anymore. Trust me. It is best for me to just wallow in my pitiful, miserable mood and hopefully roll out the end sooner than later. I will write about my feelings and if you've learned anything from the past you will move along. Commentary about my dark moods is generally not helpful. Writing helps me unload and is not intended to entertain you.
I will create a schedule and stick to it. Its not possible to function robotically and perfunctorily without one. My manic, self indulgent impatience is gone for now. So I won't have very high expectations from you but I will need to keep marching on my own and I ask that you respect that.
There is one month left in 2008. Its been a difficult year but overall not bad for me personally. I fully intend to greet the new year with a smile. I'll be like Frodo after he tossed the ring into the depths of Mordor. Utterly spent, but at last unburdened.
I left F'burg this morning feeling numb. Sorry for myself. Just plain sorry. I knew the mood was settling when I ran into someone I knew from high school at Sheetz when I stopped to get gas last night and couldn't even manage a civil conversation. I prophesized that it was coming and with a heavy sigh, I acknowledge that it is officially here. Its a shame because I had a nice weekend with my mother and it shouldn't end this way.
So here you go, operating instructions for Stephanie Cake's Crappy Holiday Season. Read on and then leave me alone until Christmas:
The spiral includes depression, social anxiety and self pity. I will feel like a lot of people are out to get me. And the rest have forsaken me. My sense of humor will be seriously compromised . The response from everyone around me will range from pity to annoyance and either way it will irritate the piss out of me.
I don't know why I feel this way. Its not your fault. It's no one's fault. Its just me. Its chemical and behavioral. Asking me about it makes me angry. This will pass. It always does. If you've known me for any respectable length of time, you know I'm moody as hell. Several times a year I become unbearable. I can't even stand myself. Your cheerful requests for me to smile are not going to help
I will cry at inappropriate times for no good reason at all. I will feel the need to apologize for every horrible injustice I have ever committed. Yet at the same time I will feel an overwhelming sense of entitlement from everyone I know. I will be intense but not interested in very much.
I will drive places and not remember how I got there. I will walk into rooms and forget why I came. Everything around me will be less impressive... although occasionally something will catch my eye and I will remember the world is vibrant and its speeding along without me and that will cause me to break down.
I should be medicated but I can't do that anymore. Trust me. It is best for me to just wallow in my pitiful, miserable mood and hopefully roll out the end sooner than later. I will write about my feelings and if you've learned anything from the past you will move along. Commentary about my dark moods is generally not helpful. Writing helps me unload and is not intended to entertain you.
I will create a schedule and stick to it. Its not possible to function robotically and perfunctorily without one. My manic, self indulgent impatience is gone for now. So I won't have very high expectations from you but I will need to keep marching on my own and I ask that you respect that.
There is one month left in 2008. Its been a difficult year but overall not bad for me personally. I fully intend to greet the new year with a smile. I'll be like Frodo after he tossed the ring into the depths of Mordor. Utterly spent, but at last unburdened.
// posted by Stephanie Cake @ 11/30/2008 09:52:00 PM 
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I love you and I understand...It's the constant rush and not really enjoying the holidays for what they meant to be for.
Love,
MOM
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Love,
MOM
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