Sunday, November 30, 2008
The shoe falls
After a few weeks of wackiness and high-falootin' mania, the downward spiral has arrived. It happens every year at this time. I read back through all my November posts for the past 4 years and its like clockwork.
I left F'burg this morning feeling numb. Sorry for myself. Just plain sorry. I knew the mood was settling when I ran into someone I knew from high school at Sheetz when I stopped to get gas last night and couldn't even manage a civil conversation. I prophesized that it was coming and with a heavy sigh, I acknowledge that it is officially here. Its a shame because I had a nice weekend with my mother and it shouldn't end this way.
So here you go, operating instructions for Stephanie Cake's Crappy Holiday Season. Read on and then leave me alone until Christmas:
The spiral includes depression, social anxiety and self pity. I will feel like a lot of people are out to get me. And the rest have forsaken me. My sense of humor will be seriously compromised . The response from everyone around me will range from pity to annoyance and either way it will irritate the piss out of me.
I don't know why I feel this way. Its not your fault. It's no one's fault. Its just me. Its chemical and behavioral. Asking me about it makes me angry. This will pass. It always does. If you've known me for any respectable length of time, you know I'm moody as hell. Several times a year I become unbearable. I can't even stand myself. Your cheerful requests for me to smile are not going to help
I will cry at inappropriate times for no good reason at all. I will feel the need to apologize for every horrible injustice I have ever committed. Yet at the same time I will feel an overwhelming sense of entitlement from everyone I know. I will be intense but not interested in very much.
I will drive places and not remember how I got there. I will walk into rooms and forget why I came. Everything around me will be less impressive... although occasionally something will catch my eye and I will remember the world is vibrant and its speeding along without me and that will cause me to break down.
I should be medicated but I can't do that anymore. Trust me. It is best for me to just wallow in my pitiful, miserable mood and hopefully roll out the end sooner than later. I will write about my feelings and if you've learned anything from the past you will move along. Commentary about my dark moods is generally not helpful. Writing helps me unload and is not intended to entertain you.
I will create a schedule and stick to it. Its not possible to function robotically and perfunctorily without one. My manic, self indulgent impatience is gone for now. So I won't have very high expectations from you but I will need to keep marching on my own and I ask that you respect that.
There is one month left in 2008. Its been a difficult year but overall not bad for me personally. I fully intend to greet the new year with a smile. I'll be like Frodo after he tossed the ring into the depths of Mordor. Utterly spent, but at last unburdened.
I left F'burg this morning feeling numb. Sorry for myself. Just plain sorry. I knew the mood was settling when I ran into someone I knew from high school at Sheetz when I stopped to get gas last night and couldn't even manage a civil conversation. I prophesized that it was coming and with a heavy sigh, I acknowledge that it is officially here. Its a shame because I had a nice weekend with my mother and it shouldn't end this way.
So here you go, operating instructions for Stephanie Cake's Crappy Holiday Season. Read on and then leave me alone until Christmas:
The spiral includes depression, social anxiety and self pity. I will feel like a lot of people are out to get me. And the rest have forsaken me. My sense of humor will be seriously compromised . The response from everyone around me will range from pity to annoyance and either way it will irritate the piss out of me.
I don't know why I feel this way. Its not your fault. It's no one's fault. Its just me. Its chemical and behavioral. Asking me about it makes me angry. This will pass. It always does. If you've known me for any respectable length of time, you know I'm moody as hell. Several times a year I become unbearable. I can't even stand myself. Your cheerful requests for me to smile are not going to help
I will cry at inappropriate times for no good reason at all. I will feel the need to apologize for every horrible injustice I have ever committed. Yet at the same time I will feel an overwhelming sense of entitlement from everyone I know. I will be intense but not interested in very much.
I will drive places and not remember how I got there. I will walk into rooms and forget why I came. Everything around me will be less impressive... although occasionally something will catch my eye and I will remember the world is vibrant and its speeding along without me and that will cause me to break down.
I should be medicated but I can't do that anymore. Trust me. It is best for me to just wallow in my pitiful, miserable mood and hopefully roll out the end sooner than later. I will write about my feelings and if you've learned anything from the past you will move along. Commentary about my dark moods is generally not helpful. Writing helps me unload and is not intended to entertain you.
I will create a schedule and stick to it. Its not possible to function robotically and perfunctorily without one. My manic, self indulgent impatience is gone for now. So I won't have very high expectations from you but I will need to keep marching on my own and I ask that you respect that.
There is one month left in 2008. Its been a difficult year but overall not bad for me personally. I fully intend to greet the new year with a smile. I'll be like Frodo after he tossed the ring into the depths of Mordor. Utterly spent, but at last unburdened.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Giving Thanx
Today is Thanksgiving. The holidays are rough for me, for a variety of reasons, but I always try to count my blessings on Turkey Day.
In no particular order, I am thankful for:
My mom and my grandmother: They made me who I am today.
Rob: He loves me unconditionally, even though I don't deserve it sometimes.
Connor: The day he was born was the best day of my life.
My friends: I b!tch about them sometimes but I really do have kick-a$$ cool friends. They make me laugh, they keep me sane and they make sure I know I matter at all costs.
My job: 9-5 blows but if I have to leave the house to stack some cheese, I couldn't ask for a better bunch of co-workers.
All the little things: There is a lot I know I take for granted but I'm working on appreciating more, paying attention and living a grateful and graceful life.
In no particular order, I am thankful for:
My mom and my grandmother: They made me who I am today.
Rob: He loves me unconditionally, even though I don't deserve it sometimes.
Connor: The day he was born was the best day of my life.
My friends: I b!tch about them sometimes but I really do have kick-a$$ cool friends. They make me laugh, they keep me sane and they make sure I know I matter at all costs.
My job: 9-5 blows but if I have to leave the house to stack some cheese, I couldn't ask for a better bunch of co-workers.
All the little things: There is a lot I know I take for granted but I'm working on appreciating more, paying attention and living a grateful and graceful life.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
A short vignette from a household near you...
Its a cold night and they are snuggling by the fire. He rubs her back as she is nearly asleep.
Him (mid-rub): oh, I bought some thick cut bacon today.
Her: ...
Him: Did you hear me? Bacon? Thick cut?
Her: yeah... so what made you think of THAT? My back fat??
Him: What? No! Are you crazy?
Her: ...
Her: ...
Her: ...
Him: I want my baby back... baby back... baby back... I want my baby back... baby back... baby back...
Her: ...
Her: Sleep with one eye open tonight my friend.
Him (mid-rub): oh, I bought some thick cut bacon today.
Her: ...
Him: Did you hear me? Bacon? Thick cut?
Her: yeah... so what made you think of THAT? My back fat??
Him: What? No! Are you crazy?
Her: ...
Her: ...
Her: ...
Him: I want my baby back... baby back... baby back... I want my baby back... baby back... baby back...
Her: ...
Her: Sleep with one eye open tonight my friend.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
The Pros and Cons
Feeling a little down today... I guess because its been cold and dreary. And, honestly, a few things haven't been going my way, so I have a general sense of malaise and poutiness. I'm mature enough to admit that I can be quite immature at times.
I've made a few posts about my attitude adjustment but haven't forgotten that I need to post my Pro's and Con's. I like to make lists... I'm very linear that way. It helps me make sense of my world and sort things out. By no means is this list comprehensive but at least its a glimpse into how I judge myself. A compendium and companion to, but not to be confused with, 100 Random Things About Stephanie Cake or 7 Random Things. (click the list for super-sized reading pleasure)
I've made a few posts about my attitude adjustment but haven't forgotten that I need to post my Pro's and Con's. I like to make lists... I'm very linear that way. It helps me make sense of my world and sort things out. By no means is this list comprehensive but at least its a glimpse into how I judge myself. A compendium and companion to, but not to be confused with, 100 Random Things About Stephanie Cake or 7 Random Things. (click the list for super-sized reading pleasure)
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Better Things
I have two old friends who are going through some rough times right now. Not that it compares, but I've been a little melancholy myself this weekend. So for inspiration, in the immortal words of Ray Davies....
Here’s wishing you the bluest sky,
And hoping something better comes tomorrow.
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the doubt and sadness.
I know that better things are on the way.
Here’s hoping all the days ahead
Wont be as bitter as the ones behind you.
Be an optimist instead,
And somehow happiness will find you.
Forget what happened yesterday,
I know that better things are on the way.
Its really good to see you rocking out
And having fun,
Living like you just begun.
Accept your life and what it brings.
I hope tomorrow you’ll find better things.
I know tomorrow you’ll find better things.
Here’s wishing you the bluest sky,
And hoping something better comes tomorrow.
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the drudge and sadness.
I know that better things are on the way.
I know you’ve got a lot of good things happening up ahead.
The past is gone its all been said.
So here’s to what the future brings,
I know tomorrow you’ll find better things.
I know tomorrow you’ll find better things.
Here’s wishing you the bluest sky,
And hoping something better comes tomorrow.
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the doubt and sadness.
I know that better things are on the way.
Here’s hoping all the days ahead
Wont be as bitter as the ones behind you.
Be an optimist instead,
And somehow happiness will find you.
Forget what happened yesterday,
I know that better things are on the way.
Its really good to see you rocking out
And having fun,
Living like you just begun.
Accept your life and what it brings.
I hope tomorrow you’ll find better things.
I know tomorrow you’ll find better things.
Here’s wishing you the bluest sky,
And hoping something better comes tomorrow.
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the drudge and sadness.
I know that better things are on the way.
I know you’ve got a lot of good things happening up ahead.
The past is gone its all been said.
So here’s to what the future brings,
I know tomorrow you’ll find better things.
I know tomorrow you’ll find better things.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Attitude Adjustments Don't Just Come from Within
I love Miss Me's comment about energivores! That is TOTALLY my obstacle as well. Awhile back I went on a rant about a few people in my life putting me down. Energy stealers is exactly what those people are like. I made a decision to stay away from one of them as much as I can. And another one who I can't exactly get away from... well, I'm just taking it one day at a time and holding tight to my "energivore repellant."
So I thoroughly believe in the idea of "ask the universe and you shall receive." On Wednesday Nov 5 I asked for an attitude adjustment. On Saturday Nov 8 I went old school hometown bound and hooked up with some people I hadn't seen in years. Some since high school. Others since college.
I was pretty anxious about the whole thing. For a number of reasons. Primarily because it was a memorial for my friend who died in April and I was feeling that there was A LOT of unresolved crap between all of us. And then it was good. It was fun. It was comfortable. No drama. Lots of laughter.
Then I spent some extended time talking to one person who gave me that attitude adjustment. Effortlessly. It wasn't anything special he said or did. Because actually we had some pretty heavy convos about the past. Part of the goodness was probably getting some stuff off my chest and just talking about things that had gone unsaid for so long.
But mostly it was about receiving compassion and kindness from someone I realized I cared about. What a beautiful experience. After so many months of my soul being sucked dry by all these caustic vampires that I feel I've been in contact with, I got the gift I had asked for. I only hope I gave back as much in return. Goodness knows, I don't think I could live with myself if I thought I took from someone else.
I still have a way to go. I think attitude adjustments must be like weight loss. It just doesn't happen overnight. But I'm pretty open to positive thinking now and I can't even express how awesome that feels.
So I thoroughly believe in the idea of "ask the universe and you shall receive." On Wednesday Nov 5 I asked for an attitude adjustment. On Saturday Nov 8 I went old school hometown bound and hooked up with some people I hadn't seen in years. Some since high school. Others since college.
I was pretty anxious about the whole thing. For a number of reasons. Primarily because it was a memorial for my friend who died in April and I was feeling that there was A LOT of unresolved crap between all of us. And then it was good. It was fun. It was comfortable. No drama. Lots of laughter.
Then I spent some extended time talking to one person who gave me that attitude adjustment. Effortlessly. It wasn't anything special he said or did. Because actually we had some pretty heavy convos about the past. Part of the goodness was probably getting some stuff off my chest and just talking about things that had gone unsaid for so long.
But mostly it was about receiving compassion and kindness from someone I realized I cared about. What a beautiful experience. After so many months of my soul being sucked dry by all these caustic vampires that I feel I've been in contact with, I got the gift I had asked for. I only hope I gave back as much in return. Goodness knows, I don't think I could live with myself if I thought I took from someone else.
I still have a way to go. I think attitude adjustments must be like weight loss. It just doesn't happen overnight. But I'm pretty open to positive thinking now and I can't even express how awesome that feels.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Stephanie Cake's Attitude Adjustment
I need one bad. I realized that I've been far too mean spirited and cynical in the past year. (probably longer than that... I've probably been mean spirited and cynical since birth... but who's counting??)
By no means do I want to supress my "street smarts" or become naive and starry-eyed. But I think a kinder, gentler Steph Cake is called for. For my own sanity and emotional well-being, if nothing else. The meaner I feel the bigger the chinks in the armor get.
I'm not a horrible person, of course, I do a lot of very good things. But I also have some serious character flaws. As a lover of all things list-worthy I will post a list of my pros & cons when I get a moment.
Would love for anyone out there to post some advice for being nicer. My mom is probably my greatest cheerleader. I have faith she'll get the word out to her network of advice givers. wink!
By no means do I want to supress my "street smarts" or become naive and starry-eyed. But I think a kinder, gentler Steph Cake is called for. For my own sanity and emotional well-being, if nothing else. The meaner I feel the bigger the chinks in the armor get.
I'm not a horrible person, of course, I do a lot of very good things. But I also have some serious character flaws. As a lover of all things list-worthy I will post a list of my pros & cons when I get a moment.
Would love for anyone out there to post some advice for being nicer. My mom is probably my greatest cheerleader. I have faith she'll get the word out to her network of advice givers. wink!
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Cracklection 2008
I got up at the crack of dawn and waited in line for over an hour. I did my civic duty and now I can't wait for it to be over. I'm so tired of this election I could scream. At this point, I don't care who wins. I just hope they get their a$$ in gear on January 1 and fix the dang economy.
I do have to give The Onion mad props for making me laugh hard enough to pee with their Voter Suppression report.
Sincerely yours,
Dr. Monopoly Pumpernickel
I do have to give The Onion mad props for making me laugh hard enough to pee with their Voter Suppression report.
Sincerely yours,
Dr. Monopoly Pumpernickel
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