Friday, February 16, 2007
Cyclothymia, its what's for breakfast
WARNING... crazy, ranty post. No comments from the peanut gallery. I need to write what I feel like without being concerned that you're worried about me, judging me or whatever. Shhh. Keep it to yourself.
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This has been a weepy week. And that, frankly, blows.
I'm always hopeful when I have a few weeks or a month of "normal". It's easy to forget that I've felt crappy and lethargic. And when I'm feeling a little energized (alright, call it what it is... hypomanic), who can complain?? Inevitably, I get more stuff done, am happy with myself, lose a little weight.
Hypomanic me is witty, charismatic, creative, fun to be around. Even I like myself when I'm in that mode. It goes without saying that depression sucks and I'm always happy to crawl out of that black hole.
But the one I really hate is the combo-manic. Its all about irritability, anxiety, weepiness. I'm both obsessive and erratic. I feel panicky and angry. Anti-depressants crushed this one. I don't think I've had one of these bouts for a few years. But they also crushed happy me. And skinny me. Should I have stayed on the SSRI's??
I'm not sure what's worse... being borderline depressed and dull or being wacko and mood-swingy all the time. I'm so paranoid that I might be annoying to other ppl. Or creepy. I deperately need validation. I can't stand the thought of anyone I care about being uncomfortable or repelled or annoyed by my moods and behavior.
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When I left for PP on Wednesday, R was kind of mean to me. It was Valentine's Day. I know he was tired and he had been out of town and the weather was terrible. But I had shoveled part of the driveway and he didn't even mention it. And he didn't really say goodbye. And it was Valentine's Day. He was just mean. So I cried all the way to Steve's.
And when I picked Steve up, I knew he was going to talk about Karin and the baby and although I'm really happy for them, I'm frankly sick to death of babiesbabiesbabiesandpregnancy (not just Steve's). Been there, done that. Ya know? So aside from my whiteknuckled driving due to the weather I didn't talk to him for several long stretches. Thankfully he's a laidback guy and seems to be ok with both comfortable and uncomfortable silences. Thank goodness. If he thinks anything unflattering, he's nice enough not to verbalize it.
And then last nite Steve & I got pizza and beers and went back to the school to watch Thurs nite NBC shows. William and Eric came by because I picked up pizzas for them too but they didn't stay. I don't think I even concentrated on the shows because I was paranoid and slightly buzzed and I kept hoping we could just hang out awhile longer because I just didn't want to be alone. But I didn't want to say that to Steve because that would be creepy. Again, my hero, he stayed until 10 instead of bolting after The Office. Maybe he could sense my distress. Or maybe he was just nursing his beer... and didn't want to bow to my peer pressure and taunts that he's a lightweight.
Right now I have about a dozen things to do. But I'm paralyzed. I can't even contemplate getting started on any of them. I haven't eaten today. My mind is racing. I'm about 2 seconds and a Kodak commerical away from tears. And the worst is... the absolute worst thing of all... is my soul is all shivery (I can't think of any better way to describe it).
I used to think "shivery" happened because I was in a good place. That is was an expression of real happiness and excitement. Made sense. Its the feeling I had when I crawled into bed the night I had my first kiss. Its the feeling I got when I lucked into really hard to get concert tickets. Its the feeling I got on Christmas Eve waiting for Santa. It was about magic (remember the whammy??) and fate and karma. And maybe about things looking up and heading in the right direction and all that crap.
But as an adult, I know "shivery" is just about mood swings. Its all fine and good when its connected to good things. But it SUCKS when it has nothing to do with contentment and it just becomes irritability and paranoia. Its not magical. And that makes me cry.
-------------------------------------------------------
This has been a weepy week. And that, frankly, blows.
I'm always hopeful when I have a few weeks or a month of "normal". It's easy to forget that I've felt crappy and lethargic. And when I'm feeling a little energized (alright, call it what it is... hypomanic), who can complain?? Inevitably, I get more stuff done, am happy with myself, lose a little weight.
Hypomanic me is witty, charismatic, creative, fun to be around. Even I like myself when I'm in that mode. It goes without saying that depression sucks and I'm always happy to crawl out of that black hole.
But the one I really hate is the combo-manic. Its all about irritability, anxiety, weepiness. I'm both obsessive and erratic. I feel panicky and angry. Anti-depressants crushed this one. I don't think I've had one of these bouts for a few years. But they also crushed happy me. And skinny me. Should I have stayed on the SSRI's??
I'm not sure what's worse... being borderline depressed and dull or being wacko and mood-swingy all the time. I'm so paranoid that I might be annoying to other ppl. Or creepy. I deperately need validation. I can't stand the thought of anyone I care about being uncomfortable or repelled or annoyed by my moods and behavior.
---------------------------------------------
When I left for PP on Wednesday, R was kind of mean to me. It was Valentine's Day. I know he was tired and he had been out of town and the weather was terrible. But I had shoveled part of the driveway and he didn't even mention it. And he didn't really say goodbye. And it was Valentine's Day. He was just mean. So I cried all the way to Steve's.
And when I picked Steve up, I knew he was going to talk about Karin and the baby and although I'm really happy for them, I'm frankly sick to death of babiesbabiesbabiesandpregnancy (not just Steve's). Been there, done that. Ya know? So aside from my whiteknuckled driving due to the weather I didn't talk to him for several long stretches. Thankfully he's a laidback guy and seems to be ok with both comfortable and uncomfortable silences. Thank goodness. If he thinks anything unflattering, he's nice enough not to verbalize it.
And then last nite Steve & I got pizza and beers and went back to the school to watch Thurs nite NBC shows. William and Eric came by because I picked up pizzas for them too but they didn't stay. I don't think I even concentrated on the shows because I was paranoid and slightly buzzed and I kept hoping we could just hang out awhile longer because I just didn't want to be alone. But I didn't want to say that to Steve because that would be creepy. Again, my hero, he stayed until 10 instead of bolting after The Office. Maybe he could sense my distress. Or maybe he was just nursing his beer... and didn't want to bow to my peer pressure and taunts that he's a lightweight.
Right now I have about a dozen things to do. But I'm paralyzed. I can't even contemplate getting started on any of them. I haven't eaten today. My mind is racing. I'm about 2 seconds and a Kodak commerical away from tears. And the worst is... the absolute worst thing of all... is my soul is all shivery (I can't think of any better way to describe it).
I used to think "shivery" happened because I was in a good place. That is was an expression of real happiness and excitement. Made sense. Its the feeling I had when I crawled into bed the night I had my first kiss. Its the feeling I got when I lucked into really hard to get concert tickets. Its the feeling I got on Christmas Eve waiting for Santa. It was about magic (remember the whammy??) and fate and karma. And maybe about things looking up and heading in the right direction and all that crap.
But as an adult, I know "shivery" is just about mood swings. Its all fine and good when its connected to good things. But it SUCKS when it has nothing to do with contentment and it just becomes irritability and paranoia. Its not magical. And that makes me cry.
// posted by Stephanie Cake @ 2/16/2007 08:16:00 PM 
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