Friday, February 16, 2007
Because this is what happens
WARNING... even more crazy rantiness. Ranty craziness. Raw emotions. Stream of consciousness. This post probably contradicts my last post. And definitely contradicts itself. But that's what happens when you have a chemical imbalance. Life doesn't make sense. SO SUE ME.
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I really need someone to talk to. And, no, not a professional. Well, ok... I probably should talk to a professional but I've had issue after issue w/ the professionals. They have a horrible bedside manner or they're preachy. Or they just write me scripts for Zoloft. But I digress.
I'm feeling totally out of control right now. And I'm thinking about how in the past 2 weeks alone I have been there for 4 different friends who were having varying degrees of crisis. Giving advice. Support. Listening. I don't ask for anything in return. I enjoy feeling needed. It makes me very happy to help my friends.
I've always tried to be the one who would be there for my friends. I don't change much. I don't leave town. I don't move away. I empathize. I return calls. I return emails. About 75% of the time, I'm the one who keeps in touch. I do nice things. I trytrytry to remember birthdays and special things. I strive for kindness. I continually try to do good things and have good intentions. I beat myself up when I feel jealous or annoyed with my friends. This is all appreciated about half the time and probably frowned upon the rest of the time.
But I feel soooo incredibly alone at a moment like this and I get mean and hateful and think "would it kill one of you to return the favor??" (I'm not even refering to the ppl I helped out recently... this is all metaphorical... If you are baffled and totally unable to read between the lines, then rest assured, the rant that is ensuing is totally not about you.) I know its unfair of me to have this feeling because all I have to do is pick up the phone and my friends and family would be there for me. In a heartbeat. But I can't ask. I can't do it.
The ppl who would be there for me... if only I would ask... they know who they are. And I'm so thankful they are there. I know they're true friends and will commiserate and be understanding and tell me all the things they think I need to hear. But, at this moment that is not what I need. Not what I crave.
What I crave is so intangible. And what would satisfy that intangible craving is talking to someone who gets me. I reached out to that person recently. Maybe I was being too subtle. Or too needy. Maybe they don't care. But my perception (and remember, kids, fair or not, perception is reality) is that I was blown off. Take a hike - no time for Stephanie.
And I would love for once not to have to beg for attention. For someone to notice that I am in distress. For someone to care. For someone who knows me so well they should be able to see the warning signs. And want to be there, because they get it. And they understand. Not just because they feel sorry for me or because they are sad to see me upset or in pain. Or feel obligated. But because I don't ask for much. Or at least when I ask for this one big thing its not every day. Its not even every year. Hell, at this point I'd probably settle for someone just noticing. For someone to say, "I can tell you are not in a good place right now. I'm over here if you need me."
It is so exhausting taking care of everyone else. And at times like this, I feel selfish and mean and I just want to say "its over, bitches! Say goodbye to Stephanie's generosity!" But I die a little inside everytime I feel that way because I'd like to think that the flip side of the horrible mess you see at the moment is a nice person who cares about other people and isn't emotionally stunted and immature. And when I tell ppl "call me if you need anything", I ACTUALLY MEAN IT. And I think most ppl know that about me. What I think most ppl don't know is that I need to feel needed. I will put up with lots of crap from other people... all in the name of warm fuzzies and the satisfaction of knowing that I helped someone.
I look back at a comment like "its exhausting taking care of everyone else" and I think, god, I sound like such a egotistical martyr. Probably half the time I think I try to help people without being asked. I can be such a know-it-all and all in other ppl's business. But I can tell when the ppl I care about are feeling needy and insecure so why is it too much to ask for the same in return?
Self deprecation, anyone? I'm so good at it, I should have been English. Again, I digress.
----------------------------
Ok, so while I'm on a rant about poor poor pitful me... I miss innocence. And unconditional love. I want someone to laugh and smile because they like me. None of my insecurities. A pure moment.
I remember being about 4 years old and hiding under my grandmother's kitchen table when my grandfather would come home from work. I can almost feel the giddy excitement of waiting for him to come find me and grab my foot and I would squeal and laugh. I can almost hold that joyful uncomplicated emotion in my hand but its just out of reach.
For a long time, my little tagline.. blog and otherwise... was "searching for happiness". I've given up on it. The truth is, it doesn't exist. Gasp!!! I know, I'm being all nihilist and all but the thing is, happiness is within. There is nothing in the world that can make a person happy but what they find inside. After 34 years of introversion, I can safely say, there is absolutely no pure happiness lurking within me. Its just out of my reach and it has become far too frustrating to keep grabbing it and coming up with handfuls of air.
The thing is, I am so easily disappointed. My feelings are easily hurt. But I don't express my emotions very well. For a very long time, I walked around with the blank, mopey concentration. And that didn't do anything for me - in fact it bothered people. So, professionally, I learned to paste on a smiley exterior. I'm not normally a cheerful person. I simply don't naturally whistle while I work. Pretending to be happy makes me feel even guiltier for actually feeling bad inside. I know, makes no sense. But that's the way it is.
---------------------------------------
It's 10:15 on a Friday nite. I'm unstable and in a crazy, marathon blog rant. It is time to go drink.
----------------------------
I really need someone to talk to. And, no, not a professional. Well, ok... I probably should talk to a professional but I've had issue after issue w/ the professionals. They have a horrible bedside manner or they're preachy. Or they just write me scripts for Zoloft. But I digress.
I'm feeling totally out of control right now. And I'm thinking about how in the past 2 weeks alone I have been there for 4 different friends who were having varying degrees of crisis. Giving advice. Support. Listening. I don't ask for anything in return. I enjoy feeling needed. It makes me very happy to help my friends.
I've always tried to be the one who would be there for my friends. I don't change much. I don't leave town. I don't move away. I empathize. I return calls. I return emails. About 75% of the time, I'm the one who keeps in touch. I do nice things. I trytrytry to remember birthdays and special things. I strive for kindness. I continually try to do good things and have good intentions. I beat myself up when I feel jealous or annoyed with my friends. This is all appreciated about half the time and probably frowned upon the rest of the time.
But I feel soooo incredibly alone at a moment like this and I get mean and hateful and think "would it kill one of you to return the favor??" (I'm not even refering to the ppl I helped out recently... this is all metaphorical... If you are baffled and totally unable to read between the lines, then rest assured, the rant that is ensuing is totally not about you.) I know its unfair of me to have this feeling because all I have to do is pick up the phone and my friends and family would be there for me. In a heartbeat. But I can't ask. I can't do it.
The ppl who would be there for me... if only I would ask... they know who they are. And I'm so thankful they are there. I know they're true friends and will commiserate and be understanding and tell me all the things they think I need to hear. But, at this moment that is not what I need. Not what I crave.
What I crave is so intangible. And what would satisfy that intangible craving is talking to someone who gets me. I reached out to that person recently. Maybe I was being too subtle. Or too needy. Maybe they don't care. But my perception (and remember, kids, fair or not, perception is reality) is that I was blown off. Take a hike - no time for Stephanie.
And I would love for once not to have to beg for attention. For someone to notice that I am in distress. For someone to care. For someone who knows me so well they should be able to see the warning signs. And want to be there, because they get it. And they understand. Not just because they feel sorry for me or because they are sad to see me upset or in pain. Or feel obligated. But because I don't ask for much. Or at least when I ask for this one big thing its not every day. Its not even every year. Hell, at this point I'd probably settle for someone just noticing. For someone to say, "I can tell you are not in a good place right now. I'm over here if you need me."
It is so exhausting taking care of everyone else. And at times like this, I feel selfish and mean and I just want to say "its over, bitches! Say goodbye to Stephanie's generosity!" But I die a little inside everytime I feel that way because I'd like to think that the flip side of the horrible mess you see at the moment is a nice person who cares about other people and isn't emotionally stunted and immature. And when I tell ppl "call me if you need anything", I ACTUALLY MEAN IT. And I think most ppl know that about me. What I think most ppl don't know is that I need to feel needed. I will put up with lots of crap from other people... all in the name of warm fuzzies and the satisfaction of knowing that I helped someone.
I look back at a comment like "its exhausting taking care of everyone else" and I think, god, I sound like such a egotistical martyr. Probably half the time I think I try to help people without being asked. I can be such a know-it-all and all in other ppl's business. But I can tell when the ppl I care about are feeling needy and insecure so why is it too much to ask for the same in return?
Self deprecation, anyone? I'm so good at it, I should have been English. Again, I digress.
----------------------------
Ok, so while I'm on a rant about poor poor pitful me... I miss innocence. And unconditional love. I want someone to laugh and smile because they like me. None of my insecurities. A pure moment.
I remember being about 4 years old and hiding under my grandmother's kitchen table when my grandfather would come home from work. I can almost feel the giddy excitement of waiting for him to come find me and grab my foot and I would squeal and laugh. I can almost hold that joyful uncomplicated emotion in my hand but its just out of reach.
For a long time, my little tagline.. blog and otherwise... was "searching for happiness". I've given up on it. The truth is, it doesn't exist. Gasp!!! I know, I'm being all nihilist and all but the thing is, happiness is within. There is nothing in the world that can make a person happy but what they find inside. After 34 years of introversion, I can safely say, there is absolutely no pure happiness lurking within me. Its just out of my reach and it has become far too frustrating to keep grabbing it and coming up with handfuls of air.
The thing is, I am so easily disappointed. My feelings are easily hurt. But I don't express my emotions very well. For a very long time, I walked around with the blank, mopey concentration. And that didn't do anything for me - in fact it bothered people. So, professionally, I learned to paste on a smiley exterior. I'm not normally a cheerful person. I simply don't naturally whistle while I work. Pretending to be happy makes me feel even guiltier for actually feeling bad inside. I know, makes no sense. But that's the way it is.
---------------------------------------
It's 10:15 on a Friday nite. I'm unstable and in a crazy, marathon blog rant. It is time to go drink.
// posted by Stephanie Cake @ 2/16/2007 09:04:00 PM 
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