Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Craptacular February
This has been the worst week I've endured in a long time. At the moment I feel like the weight of the world is crushing me.
There have been a million little annoyances this week and there are a few big things looming in my mind but the highlights have been....
There have been a million little annoyances this week and there are a few big things looming in my mind but the highlights have been....
- Connor has strep. Again. Apparently the anitbiotics didn't work the 1st time and now he's on something stronger. That worries me. Plus he's missing 3 days of school this week and I'm worried about him getting behind with school work.
- My car decided to act like a fool. The check engine light came on exactly 24 hours before I am supposed to drive to PP. It could be something small. Or it could be a big deal. The Subaru dealership will charge us $99 to find that out for us. Their generosity is overwhelming. I've been waiting 4 hours to find out something.
- We were turned down by the Baltimore Co. Humane Society to adopt a cat. Connor is devastated. And I think I'm even more devastated. Its a long story that I won't get into here but they have deemed us unfit for pet ownership due to our vet records... basically lapsed rabies boosters for cats who NEVER went outside. Everyone else I've talked to thinks they are being insane and just about every other cat owner I know is also guilty of this. I'm not going to get into a rant about it but both of our cats were in good health and well treated. They were over 11 yrs and 13 yrs when they passed away approximately a year and a 1/2 apart. This is pretty much the straw that has broken the camel's back this week.
I know its childish and reactionary and very poor negative thinking but I really wish for once things could go smoothly. For a reasonable stretch. I could deal with these things individually if they didn't happen in the same 48 hour stretch. And on top of all the other stuff I have going on.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Meow, meow, meow, meow....
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Today is the first day of the rest of my life...
We got digital cable w/ OnDemand and DVR. I may have to get a bed pan and a mini-fridge so I never have to leave the couch.
I know I'm probably the last kid on the block to get it, but golly geez. There were 12 movies that I like on AT THE SAME TIME. We have something like 15 different HBO's. And all these digital music stations... I was actually aware of those, but still. Oh god, and the OnDemand stuff.... I can catch up on this season of the Sopranos. And Extras. And The Wire.
All I can say is... ohmygodohmygodohmygod... OH MY GOD.
I know I'm probably the last kid on the block to get it, but golly geez. There were 12 movies that I like on AT THE SAME TIME. We have something like 15 different HBO's. And all these digital music stations... I was actually aware of those, but still. Oh god, and the OnDemand stuff.... I can catch up on this season of the Sopranos. And Extras. And The Wire.
All I can say is... ohmygodohmygodohmygod... OH MY GOD.
Modern Archaeology
Last nite was rough. I'm not really feeling any better. Maybe a little more in control. Less spazzy. Its a start. Anyway, enough of that.
We are getting ditigal cable (yeah, I know, last ones on the block) which led to R thinking he needs to change some things about our big TV cabinet. He made it awhile back - its very cool. Its made reclaimed oak boards (all weathery and grey) and the doors are old shutters. But now he's decided to get a new TV stand altogether and move the oak giant upstairs. I don't agree but I'm too tired to fight.
So this morning, while he's out buying the new one, I've been excavating the old one. It has drawers full of CD's I'd rather not admit to owning and strange things like the unopened "Video Catnip: TV for Cats" VHS tape (where the hell did we get that???)
Back in a little nook and cranny behind the TV, I found my old Sony Walkman. This is the real deal. The original, mind you. I got it on my 11th or 12th birthday. 1984 or 1985. It was the best thing since sliced bread. I even used in college to listen to my old tapes when I needed to drown out the sound of my freshman year roomates playing REM and Stone Roses CDs at full blast on their stereo.
I remember playing it on long car trips. I was really into Madonna at one point and used to listen to True Blue over and over and over. 1986. It was where I first listened to the Clash and the Violent Femmes and the Sex Pistols. 1986/1987. When I was in love for the first time and listened to Rebel Yell (or maybe it was Vital Idol??) over and over because that was playing at the party where he first kissed me. 1987. I could go on and on. Ah, the nostalgia.
So I'm sitting here looking at this thing and I realize that Connor (and about 75% of the kids I teach @ PP every week) doesn't know anything before CDs. And even CDs are kind of getting old. The Walkman weighs a little less than a pound and measures 3.5 x 5.5 x 1.75 (not including the buttons that protrude off the side). It fit into big coat pockets and book bags ok. My iPod Nano is about the size of a business card and about the thickness of 4 quarters. It fits in my wallet.
I have almost 3 days of music on my iTunes. Its too early in the morning for me to do the math necessary to figure out how many cassette tapes that equals. But suffice it to say, it would be a lot. I can carry more than half my music on my iPod. I don't think I could have imagined that 22 years ago. That was a completely Jetsonian concept.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Because this is what happens
WARNING... even more crazy rantiness. Ranty craziness. Raw emotions. Stream of consciousness. This post probably contradicts my last post. And definitely contradicts itself. But that's what happens when you have a chemical imbalance. Life doesn't make sense. SO SUE ME.
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I really need someone to talk to. And, no, not a professional. Well, ok... I probably should talk to a professional but I've had issue after issue w/ the professionals. They have a horrible bedside manner or they're preachy. Or they just write me scripts for Zoloft. But I digress.
I'm feeling totally out of control right now. And I'm thinking about how in the past 2 weeks alone I have been there for 4 different friends who were having varying degrees of crisis. Giving advice. Support. Listening. I don't ask for anything in return. I enjoy feeling needed. It makes me very happy to help my friends.
I've always tried to be the one who would be there for my friends. I don't change much. I don't leave town. I don't move away. I empathize. I return calls. I return emails. About 75% of the time, I'm the one who keeps in touch. I do nice things. I trytrytry to remember birthdays and special things. I strive for kindness. I continually try to do good things and have good intentions. I beat myself up when I feel jealous or annoyed with my friends. This is all appreciated about half the time and probably frowned upon the rest of the time.
But I feel soooo incredibly alone at a moment like this and I get mean and hateful and think "would it kill one of you to return the favor??" (I'm not even refering to the ppl I helped out recently... this is all metaphorical... If you are baffled and totally unable to read between the lines, then rest assured, the rant that is ensuing is totally not about you.) I know its unfair of me to have this feeling because all I have to do is pick up the phone and my friends and family would be there for me. In a heartbeat. But I can't ask. I can't do it.
The ppl who would be there for me... if only I would ask... they know who they are. And I'm so thankful they are there. I know they're true friends and will commiserate and be understanding and tell me all the things they think I need to hear. But, at this moment that is not what I need. Not what I crave.
What I crave is so intangible. And what would satisfy that intangible craving is talking to someone who gets me. I reached out to that person recently. Maybe I was being too subtle. Or too needy. Maybe they don't care. But my perception (and remember, kids, fair or not, perception is reality) is that I was blown off. Take a hike - no time for Stephanie.
And I would love for once not to have to beg for attention. For someone to notice that I am in distress. For someone to care. For someone who knows me so well they should be able to see the warning signs. And want to be there, because they get it. And they understand. Not just because they feel sorry for me or because they are sad to see me upset or in pain. Or feel obligated. But because I don't ask for much. Or at least when I ask for this one big thing its not every day. Its not even every year. Hell, at this point I'd probably settle for someone just noticing. For someone to say, "I can tell you are not in a good place right now. I'm over here if you need me."
It is so exhausting taking care of everyone else. And at times like this, I feel selfish and mean and I just want to say "its over, bitches! Say goodbye to Stephanie's generosity!" But I die a little inside everytime I feel that way because I'd like to think that the flip side of the horrible mess you see at the moment is a nice person who cares about other people and isn't emotionally stunted and immature. And when I tell ppl "call me if you need anything", I ACTUALLY MEAN IT. And I think most ppl know that about me. What I think most ppl don't know is that I need to feel needed. I will put up with lots of crap from other people... all in the name of warm fuzzies and the satisfaction of knowing that I helped someone.
I look back at a comment like "its exhausting taking care of everyone else" and I think, god, I sound like such a egotistical martyr. Probably half the time I think I try to help people without being asked. I can be such a know-it-all and all in other ppl's business. But I can tell when the ppl I care about are feeling needy and insecure so why is it too much to ask for the same in return?
Self deprecation, anyone? I'm so good at it, I should have been English. Again, I digress.
----------------------------
Ok, so while I'm on a rant about poor poor pitful me... I miss innocence. And unconditional love. I want someone to laugh and smile because they like me. None of my insecurities. A pure moment.
I remember being about 4 years old and hiding under my grandmother's kitchen table when my grandfather would come home from work. I can almost feel the giddy excitement of waiting for him to come find me and grab my foot and I would squeal and laugh. I can almost hold that joyful uncomplicated emotion in my hand but its just out of reach.
For a long time, my little tagline.. blog and otherwise... was "searching for happiness". I've given up on it. The truth is, it doesn't exist. Gasp!!! I know, I'm being all nihilist and all but the thing is, happiness is within. There is nothing in the world that can make a person happy but what they find inside. After 34 years of introversion, I can safely say, there is absolutely no pure happiness lurking within me. Its just out of my reach and it has become far too frustrating to keep grabbing it and coming up with handfuls of air.
The thing is, I am so easily disappointed. My feelings are easily hurt. But I don't express my emotions very well. For a very long time, I walked around with the blank, mopey concentration. And that didn't do anything for me - in fact it bothered people. So, professionally, I learned to paste on a smiley exterior. I'm not normally a cheerful person. I simply don't naturally whistle while I work. Pretending to be happy makes me feel even guiltier for actually feeling bad inside. I know, makes no sense. But that's the way it is.
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It's 10:15 on a Friday nite. I'm unstable and in a crazy, marathon blog rant. It is time to go drink.
----------------------------
I really need someone to talk to. And, no, not a professional. Well, ok... I probably should talk to a professional but I've had issue after issue w/ the professionals. They have a horrible bedside manner or they're preachy. Or they just write me scripts for Zoloft. But I digress.
I'm feeling totally out of control right now. And I'm thinking about how in the past 2 weeks alone I have been there for 4 different friends who were having varying degrees of crisis. Giving advice. Support. Listening. I don't ask for anything in return. I enjoy feeling needed. It makes me very happy to help my friends.
I've always tried to be the one who would be there for my friends. I don't change much. I don't leave town. I don't move away. I empathize. I return calls. I return emails. About 75% of the time, I'm the one who keeps in touch. I do nice things. I trytrytry to remember birthdays and special things. I strive for kindness. I continually try to do good things and have good intentions. I beat myself up when I feel jealous or annoyed with my friends. This is all appreciated about half the time and probably frowned upon the rest of the time.
But I feel soooo incredibly alone at a moment like this and I get mean and hateful and think "would it kill one of you to return the favor??" (I'm not even refering to the ppl I helped out recently... this is all metaphorical... If you are baffled and totally unable to read between the lines, then rest assured, the rant that is ensuing is totally not about you.) I know its unfair of me to have this feeling because all I have to do is pick up the phone and my friends and family would be there for me. In a heartbeat. But I can't ask. I can't do it.
The ppl who would be there for me... if only I would ask... they know who they are. And I'm so thankful they are there. I know they're true friends and will commiserate and be understanding and tell me all the things they think I need to hear. But, at this moment that is not what I need. Not what I crave.
What I crave is so intangible. And what would satisfy that intangible craving is talking to someone who gets me. I reached out to that person recently. Maybe I was being too subtle. Or too needy. Maybe they don't care. But my perception (and remember, kids, fair or not, perception is reality) is that I was blown off. Take a hike - no time for Stephanie.
And I would love for once not to have to beg for attention. For someone to notice that I am in distress. For someone to care. For someone who knows me so well they should be able to see the warning signs. And want to be there, because they get it. And they understand. Not just because they feel sorry for me or because they are sad to see me upset or in pain. Or feel obligated. But because I don't ask for much. Or at least when I ask for this one big thing its not every day. Its not even every year. Hell, at this point I'd probably settle for someone just noticing. For someone to say, "I can tell you are not in a good place right now. I'm over here if you need me."
It is so exhausting taking care of everyone else. And at times like this, I feel selfish and mean and I just want to say "its over, bitches! Say goodbye to Stephanie's generosity!" But I die a little inside everytime I feel that way because I'd like to think that the flip side of the horrible mess you see at the moment is a nice person who cares about other people and isn't emotionally stunted and immature. And when I tell ppl "call me if you need anything", I ACTUALLY MEAN IT. And I think most ppl know that about me. What I think most ppl don't know is that I need to feel needed. I will put up with lots of crap from other people... all in the name of warm fuzzies and the satisfaction of knowing that I helped someone.
I look back at a comment like "its exhausting taking care of everyone else" and I think, god, I sound like such a egotistical martyr. Probably half the time I think I try to help people without being asked. I can be such a know-it-all and all in other ppl's business. But I can tell when the ppl I care about are feeling needy and insecure so why is it too much to ask for the same in return?
Self deprecation, anyone? I'm so good at it, I should have been English. Again, I digress.
----------------------------
Ok, so while I'm on a rant about poor poor pitful me... I miss innocence. And unconditional love. I want someone to laugh and smile because they like me. None of my insecurities. A pure moment.
I remember being about 4 years old and hiding under my grandmother's kitchen table when my grandfather would come home from work. I can almost feel the giddy excitement of waiting for him to come find me and grab my foot and I would squeal and laugh. I can almost hold that joyful uncomplicated emotion in my hand but its just out of reach.
For a long time, my little tagline.. blog and otherwise... was "searching for happiness". I've given up on it. The truth is, it doesn't exist. Gasp!!! I know, I'm being all nihilist and all but the thing is, happiness is within. There is nothing in the world that can make a person happy but what they find inside. After 34 years of introversion, I can safely say, there is absolutely no pure happiness lurking within me. Its just out of my reach and it has become far too frustrating to keep grabbing it and coming up with handfuls of air.
The thing is, I am so easily disappointed. My feelings are easily hurt. But I don't express my emotions very well. For a very long time, I walked around with the blank, mopey concentration. And that didn't do anything for me - in fact it bothered people. So, professionally, I learned to paste on a smiley exterior. I'm not normally a cheerful person. I simply don't naturally whistle while I work. Pretending to be happy makes me feel even guiltier for actually feeling bad inside. I know, makes no sense. But that's the way it is.
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It's 10:15 on a Friday nite. I'm unstable and in a crazy, marathon blog rant. It is time to go drink.
Cyclothymia, its what's for breakfast
WARNING... crazy, ranty post. No comments from the peanut gallery. I need to write what I feel like without being concerned that you're worried about me, judging me or whatever. Shhh. Keep it to yourself.
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This has been a weepy week. And that, frankly, blows.
I'm always hopeful when I have a few weeks or a month of "normal". It's easy to forget that I've felt crappy and lethargic. And when I'm feeling a little energized (alright, call it what it is... hypomanic), who can complain?? Inevitably, I get more stuff done, am happy with myself, lose a little weight.
Hypomanic me is witty, charismatic, creative, fun to be around. Even I like myself when I'm in that mode. It goes without saying that depression sucks and I'm always happy to crawl out of that black hole.
But the one I really hate is the combo-manic. Its all about irritability, anxiety, weepiness. I'm both obsessive and erratic. I feel panicky and angry. Anti-depressants crushed this one. I don't think I've had one of these bouts for a few years. But they also crushed happy me. And skinny me. Should I have stayed on the SSRI's??
I'm not sure what's worse... being borderline depressed and dull or being wacko and mood-swingy all the time. I'm so paranoid that I might be annoying to other ppl. Or creepy. I deperately need validation. I can't stand the thought of anyone I care about being uncomfortable or repelled or annoyed by my moods and behavior.
---------------------------------------------
When I left for PP on Wednesday, R was kind of mean to me. It was Valentine's Day. I know he was tired and he had been out of town and the weather was terrible. But I had shoveled part of the driveway and he didn't even mention it. And he didn't really say goodbye. And it was Valentine's Day. He was just mean. So I cried all the way to Steve's.
And when I picked Steve up, I knew he was going to talk about Karin and the baby and although I'm really happy for them, I'm frankly sick to death of babiesbabiesbabiesandpregnancy (not just Steve's). Been there, done that. Ya know? So aside from my whiteknuckled driving due to the weather I didn't talk to him for several long stretches. Thankfully he's a laidback guy and seems to be ok with both comfortable and uncomfortable silences. Thank goodness. If he thinks anything unflattering, he's nice enough not to verbalize it.
And then last nite Steve & I got pizza and beers and went back to the school to watch Thurs nite NBC shows. William and Eric came by because I picked up pizzas for them too but they didn't stay. I don't think I even concentrated on the shows because I was paranoid and slightly buzzed and I kept hoping we could just hang out awhile longer because I just didn't want to be alone. But I didn't want to say that to Steve because that would be creepy. Again, my hero, he stayed until 10 instead of bolting after The Office. Maybe he could sense my distress. Or maybe he was just nursing his beer... and didn't want to bow to my peer pressure and taunts that he's a lightweight.
Right now I have about a dozen things to do. But I'm paralyzed. I can't even contemplate getting started on any of them. I haven't eaten today. My mind is racing. I'm about 2 seconds and a Kodak commerical away from tears. And the worst is... the absolute worst thing of all... is my soul is all shivery (I can't think of any better way to describe it).
I used to think "shivery" happened because I was in a good place. That is was an expression of real happiness and excitement. Made sense. Its the feeling I had when I crawled into bed the night I had my first kiss. Its the feeling I got when I lucked into really hard to get concert tickets. Its the feeling I got on Christmas Eve waiting for Santa. It was about magic (remember the whammy??) and fate and karma. And maybe about things looking up and heading in the right direction and all that crap.
But as an adult, I know "shivery" is just about mood swings. Its all fine and good when its connected to good things. But it SUCKS when it has nothing to do with contentment and it just becomes irritability and paranoia. Its not magical. And that makes me cry.
-------------------------------------------------------
This has been a weepy week. And that, frankly, blows.
I'm always hopeful when I have a few weeks or a month of "normal". It's easy to forget that I've felt crappy and lethargic. And when I'm feeling a little energized (alright, call it what it is... hypomanic), who can complain?? Inevitably, I get more stuff done, am happy with myself, lose a little weight.
Hypomanic me is witty, charismatic, creative, fun to be around. Even I like myself when I'm in that mode. It goes without saying that depression sucks and I'm always happy to crawl out of that black hole.
But the one I really hate is the combo-manic. Its all about irritability, anxiety, weepiness. I'm both obsessive and erratic. I feel panicky and angry. Anti-depressants crushed this one. I don't think I've had one of these bouts for a few years. But they also crushed happy me. And skinny me. Should I have stayed on the SSRI's??
I'm not sure what's worse... being borderline depressed and dull or being wacko and mood-swingy all the time. I'm so paranoid that I might be annoying to other ppl. Or creepy. I deperately need validation. I can't stand the thought of anyone I care about being uncomfortable or repelled or annoyed by my moods and behavior.
---------------------------------------------
When I left for PP on Wednesday, R was kind of mean to me. It was Valentine's Day. I know he was tired and he had been out of town and the weather was terrible. But I had shoveled part of the driveway and he didn't even mention it. And he didn't really say goodbye. And it was Valentine's Day. He was just mean. So I cried all the way to Steve's.
And when I picked Steve up, I knew he was going to talk about Karin and the baby and although I'm really happy for them, I'm frankly sick to death of babiesbabiesbabiesandpregnancy (not just Steve's). Been there, done that. Ya know? So aside from my whiteknuckled driving due to the weather I didn't talk to him for several long stretches. Thankfully he's a laidback guy and seems to be ok with both comfortable and uncomfortable silences. Thank goodness. If he thinks anything unflattering, he's nice enough not to verbalize it.
And then last nite Steve & I got pizza and beers and went back to the school to watch Thurs nite NBC shows. William and Eric came by because I picked up pizzas for them too but they didn't stay. I don't think I even concentrated on the shows because I was paranoid and slightly buzzed and I kept hoping we could just hang out awhile longer because I just didn't want to be alone. But I didn't want to say that to Steve because that would be creepy. Again, my hero, he stayed until 10 instead of bolting after The Office. Maybe he could sense my distress. Or maybe he was just nursing his beer... and didn't want to bow to my peer pressure and taunts that he's a lightweight.
Right now I have about a dozen things to do. But I'm paralyzed. I can't even contemplate getting started on any of them. I haven't eaten today. My mind is racing. I'm about 2 seconds and a Kodak commerical away from tears. And the worst is... the absolute worst thing of all... is my soul is all shivery (I can't think of any better way to describe it).
I used to think "shivery" happened because I was in a good place. That is was an expression of real happiness and excitement. Made sense. Its the feeling I had when I crawled into bed the night I had my first kiss. Its the feeling I got when I lucked into really hard to get concert tickets. Its the feeling I got on Christmas Eve waiting for Santa. It was about magic (remember the whammy??) and fate and karma. And maybe about things looking up and heading in the right direction and all that crap.
But as an adult, I know "shivery" is just about mood swings. Its all fine and good when its connected to good things. But it SUCKS when it has nothing to do with contentment and it just becomes irritability and paranoia. Its not magical. And that makes me cry.
Monday, February 12, 2007
GASP!!!
It just totally dawned on me what myspace is... it is that weird dream I have always had where everyone I have ever known is in one room at the same time. They don't all know each other but I know all of them. It's an awe inspiring feeling to have the upper hand like that.
Of course, in the dream I think it's my funeral.... or maybe my birthday. Definitely not the internet.
Of course, in the dream I think it's my funeral.... or maybe my birthday. Definitely not the internet.
A rose by any other name...
Rob gave me 2 dozen roses for Valentine's Day (I got 'em early because he's going out of town for a few days). Either he did something I haven't found out about yet or the volunteer fire dept was having a really good sale. Or both.I've only gotten flowers a couple of times. Never 2 dozen roses. The last time I got flowers was for my 30th birthday. He sent me those under duress. Those flowers were more about self preservation than anything else.
People sent me flowers when I had surgery a few years ago. And my dad brought me flowers when I had Connor. Rob gave me flowers once when we were dating. A guy I worked with when I was in college brought me flowers. He was pretty much stalking me. I gave them back. The guy I dated for 4 years in HS/college gave me a pretty bouquet of flowers for my senior dinner dance. I think his grandmother made him get me those.
The worst flowers I ever got were when I was in the 8th grade. I was seriously in "love" with this boy (and totally stalking him) and there was this other boy who allegedly really liked me (interestingly enough I ended up being friends with him briefly in HS). For Valentine's Day that year, this little vase of flowers got delivered to my house. My mom found them when she got home from work and there was a card that said "I really like you".
I hoped and prayed and hoped and prayed they were from the boy I liked. But all my friends were sure they were from the boy who liked me. No one ever admitted to sending them.
About 12 or 15 years later I found out that my aunt had sent them. I know she was probably trying to boost my self estem but it made me feel really disappointed and betrayed in a major way. I wish she had never told me.
Did you know....
That Bob Sagat is the voice of the narrator on How I Met Your Mother? I didn't. You learn something new every day.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
The Science of Sleep
I finally saw The Science of Sleep. I'm not sure why I never saw it in the theater... I heard it was wonderful, I loooove Gael Garcia Bernal and Michel Gondry is the best film maker ever...
But anyway I finally saw it. All I can say is WOW. I've always been profoundly affected by certain movies and books... where the writer or film maker can just get into your head and your feelings and your soul. It's been a long time since I've seen a movie that's made me feel that way. Probably since Eternal Sunshine.
I was really struck by the quality of the dream and imagination scenes. I think a lot of movies go over the top or just don't connect with the "reality" of dreams. Both Eternal Sunshine and Science of Sleep felt like they tapped into my dream "reality".
Maybe my dreams aren't like other people's. My dreams are awkward and weird and confusing. Even the few times I've been able to dream lucidly, they are like that. I've only had a few nightmares in my life. My "nightmares" are more disconnected, twisting, turning, confused, rooted in reality, but no grip on reality kind of affairs. Just like Stephane's. Except I don't have felt horses in my dreams.
But anyway I finally saw it. All I can say is WOW. I've always been profoundly affected by certain movies and books... where the writer or film maker can just get into your head and your feelings and your soul. It's been a long time since I've seen a movie that's made me feel that way. Probably since Eternal Sunshine.
I was really struck by the quality of the dream and imagination scenes. I think a lot of movies go over the top or just don't connect with the "reality" of dreams. Both Eternal Sunshine and Science of Sleep felt like they tapped into my dream "reality".
Maybe my dreams aren't like other people's. My dreams are awkward and weird and confusing. Even the few times I've been able to dream lucidly, they are like that. I've only had a few nightmares in my life. My "nightmares" are more disconnected, twisting, turning, confused, rooted in reality, but no grip on reality kind of affairs. Just like Stephane's. Except I don't have felt horses in my dreams.
Friday, February 09, 2007
HOLY CRAP!
I was astounded... blown away.... no, flabbergasted by the news. Anna Nicole!? dead!?!
I have to admit, I've never been a fan. I watched her reality show a few times and was disgusted by her behavior. I think she got a raw deal on a lot of stuff but overall she was just common trailer trash who won the lottery by marrying that old rich dude and subsequently had 15 minutes of fame that would never end.
But I couldn't help feeling sorry for her when her son died. And I have to admit, after her major weight loss (ahem, Trimspa diet) she looked really great... still nutty, drunk and drug addled as hell but perrty dang glamourous.
Sigh, the lives of the rich and weird. I feel woefully dull and normal and poor.
I have to admit, I've never been a fan. I watched her reality show a few times and was disgusted by her behavior. I think she got a raw deal on a lot of stuff but overall she was just common trailer trash who won the lottery by marrying that old rich dude and subsequently had 15 minutes of fame that would never end.
But I couldn't help feeling sorry for her when her son died. And I have to admit, after her major weight loss (ahem, Trimspa diet) she looked really great... still nutty, drunk and drug addled as hell but perrty dang glamourous.
Sigh, the lives of the rich and weird. I feel woefully dull and normal and poor.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Knitty Knitty Bang Bang
So I'm trying to balance my bitchy rants with some more useful commentary here. Also, since I signed up for SP 10 I have to uphold my part of the bargain and add some crafty posts every so often.
Anyhoo, I've got some awesome knitting projects going on.... a hat for Roberto and a baby sweater for El who is getting ready to be a baby daddy in the spring. I just finished a balaclava for Rob too... altho unfortunately, even tho I made it in a "Park Service/DNR poopie brown", he can't wear it @ work 'cuz its not regulation. Oh well.
I'm trying to figure out something to make for Connor. Hats and mittens are out 'cuz I love the little stinker but he looses stuff like crazy and I'm not about to invest time & energy in something that will be lost. He's really hard on socks too. Thank god for Clorox or his socks would blend right into his dirty little feet. I'm thinking about a sweater or a hoodie. Of course he may not get it this season! Gotta see if I can find a cool pattern... I'm sure I saw a hoodie pattern somewhere.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Secret Pal 10... including the questionnaire
So my mom told me about the Secret Pal swap. I love swapping but haven't done any swaps in awhile. I got totally burned on a few swaps last year and rather disappointed on a few others. But the Secret Pal swap seems to be really well organized and sort of "upscale" so I'm excited about participating.
One of the requirements is to answer the questionnaire. I love talking about myself at length so swap questionnaires are always a bonus. Muahahaha!!! (seriously, I'm not that shallow, I'm just snarky)
2. What do you use to store your needles/hooks in? Currently in 2 skinny galvanized buckets. They work… but I would LOVE a handmade needle case that I can travel with. Winkwink.
3. How long have you been knitting & how did you learn? Would you consider your skill level to be beginner, intermediate or advanced? I learned how to knit in college. It was a combination of figuring it out on my own and my mom showing me. I failed miserably in those early attempts but seriously came back to knitting last year. My mom is proud. I would consider myself intermediate in most knitting skills… I’m getting better every day!
4. Do you have an Amazon or other online wish list?
Yes! Amazon is my mecca. I love books like I love air. http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/12EDJH5EE3L93/
5. What's your favorite scent? Lavender, hands down! I am of the strong belief that one cannot have too many English lavender sachets. However, I’m not a big perfume, cosmetics, lotion, soap person because I have sensitive skin and a million nitpicky allergies.
6. Do you have a sweet tooth? Favorite candy? Unfortunately for my waistline, yes. Milk chocolate all the way! Plain old Hershey bars or Lindt milk chocolate truffles make me very happy. I will also sell my soul for Vermont Maple Sugar candy. And I’ll commit crimes for See’s blueberry or pineapple filled chocolates (well anything from See’s for that matter!) Other candies are nice too – I love anything in the “blue” (blueberry? blue raspberry? bloo???) flavor variety (hahaha!). Swedish fish and gummy bears are nice too. IMPORANT: Sadly I’m allergic to most tree nuts… some are ok and others are deadly… But really, I don’t expect anyone to have to go to the trouble of analyzing ingredients on my behalf.
7. What other crafts or Do-It-Yourself things do you like to do? Do you spin?
I love to sew – I’m a complete fabric whore! I’ve been making things since I was little – my mom is a very talented crafter and seamstress. Outside of knitting I’m primarily a mixed media artist so I love found objects, paper, trinkets, buttons, fibers… anything interesting! I learned drop spindle spinning in college (I have a fine arts degree) and would love to do it again as well as learn to spin on a wheel.
8. What kind of music do you like? Can your computer/stereo play MP3s? (if your buddy wants to make you a CD) My musical tastes are somewhat varied and complicated! I have a few things listed on my blog profile & my MySpace page. I can play MP3’s.
9. What's your favorite color(s)? Any colors you just can't stand? I love retro-y colors. Pink + brown + orange + aqua + lime green…. but I really can’t say there are any colors I don’t like.
10. What is your family situation? Do you have any pets? Husband of 11 years and a darling 9 year old son. Sadly my kitty died a year ago and we aren’t ready for any new pets just yet.
11. Do you wear scarves, hats, mittens or ponchos?
Yep! I look stupid in hats but I wear ‘em anyway! Hehehe!
12. What is/are your favorite item/s to knit?
I’ll try anything once! I like socks. I also love knitting with the intent to felt.
13. What are you knitting right now?
A hat my husband has requested (nay, demanded!), a baby sweater for my brother-in-law’s impending bundle of joy, 2 pairs of socks for myself.
14. Do you like to receive handmade gifts?
Yes!!!
15. Do you prefer straight or circular needles? Bamboo, aluminum, plastic?
All of the above? I use both straight and circulars as necessary. I prefer wood and bamboo needles most and plastic the least but I wouldn’t turn away a good lookin’ needle no matter what it was made of. I recently bought a set of Addi Turbo circulars… I don’t hate them but I’m not sure if I like them yet either.
16. Do you own a yarn winder and/or swift?I don’t but my mom has a winder. I’ve trained the hubby to help me wind yarn the old fashioned way.
17. How old is your oldest UFO? Hah! Are you kidding me??? I bet I have unfinished craft projects from when I was a child! But my oldest knitting UFO is probably a scarf I started for my husband when we were dating… so 12 years old?
18. What is your favorite holiday?
My birthday! Hahaha! I don’t really have a favorite. I like ‘em all, especially if there are presents and/or good things to eat.
19. Is there anything that you collect?
I’m a packrat… so the question is: what do I NOT collect…. But I love vintage sewing notions, old buttons and squirrels (figurines and tchotchkes and such, not actual live rodent).
20. Any books, yarns, needles or patterns out there you are dying to get your hands on? What knitting magazine subscriptions do you have?
There is nothing I have a burning desire for. I sort of live for the moment and covet beautiful things as I see them. I have a few knitting and spinning books on my Amazon wish list.
I do love Brittany needles (I only have a couple of pairs)… or any wooden needles with the pretty little carved ends. I don’t have any magazine subs but I really like Spin-Off for the interesting info about wool and fibers and techniques, even though I don’t really actively spin at the moment (I know! I’m such a nerd). Otherwise, I only buy knitting magazines when something catches my eye.
21. Are there any new techniques you'd like to learn? Not sure. I’m really interested in lace patterns and I’ve tried a few but I’ve gotten frustrated with dropping yarn overs and keeping track of the stitches. Are there pretty lace patterns for the ADD afflicted??
22. Are you a sock knitter? What are your foot measurements?
Yes! Love knitting socks! I wear a women’s size 9 shoe – my feet are sort of normal/average…. 9 ½ in length – 8 ½ - 9 in circumference
23. When is your birthday?
September 23. I’m a Libra.
One of the requirements is to answer the questionnaire. I love talking about myself at length so swap questionnaires are always a bonus. Muahahaha!!! (seriously, I'm not that shallow, I'm just snarky)
The Questionnaire
1. What is/are your favorite yarn/s to knit with? What fibers do you absolutely *not* like? I love plain old sport weight merino because I adore felting… especially when its in cool shades or colorways. I’ve also been known to fall hard for some super soft alpaca. Noro makes some gorgeous yarns and Debbie Bliss does too. I’m not really a fiber snob – I’ll take a classy acrylic any day, I’m just not fond of cheap, scratchy, old synthetic yarn (unless its for the utter irony of it). I don’t especially like knitting with eyelash or really novel novelty yarns – they look really cool but they tend to frustrate me.
1. What is/are your favorite yarn/s to knit with? What fibers do you absolutely *not* like? I love plain old sport weight merino because I adore felting… especially when its in cool shades or colorways. I’ve also been known to fall hard for some super soft alpaca. Noro makes some gorgeous yarns and Debbie Bliss does too. I’m not really a fiber snob – I’ll take a classy acrylic any day, I’m just not fond of cheap, scratchy, old synthetic yarn (unless its for the utter irony of it). I don’t especially like knitting with eyelash or really novel novelty yarns – they look really cool but they tend to frustrate me.
2. What do you use to store your needles/hooks in? Currently in 2 skinny galvanized buckets. They work… but I would LOVE a handmade needle case that I can travel with. Winkwink.
3. How long have you been knitting & how did you learn? Would you consider your skill level to be beginner, intermediate or advanced? I learned how to knit in college. It was a combination of figuring it out on my own and my mom showing me. I failed miserably in those early attempts but seriously came back to knitting last year. My mom is proud. I would consider myself intermediate in most knitting skills… I’m getting better every day!
4. Do you have an Amazon or other online wish list?
Yes! Amazon is my mecca. I love books like I love air. http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/12EDJH5EE3L93/
5. What's your favorite scent? Lavender, hands down! I am of the strong belief that one cannot have too many English lavender sachets. However, I’m not a big perfume, cosmetics, lotion, soap person because I have sensitive skin and a million nitpicky allergies.
6. Do you have a sweet tooth? Favorite candy? Unfortunately for my waistline, yes. Milk chocolate all the way! Plain old Hershey bars or Lindt milk chocolate truffles make me very happy. I will also sell my soul for Vermont Maple Sugar candy. And I’ll commit crimes for See’s blueberry or pineapple filled chocolates (well anything from See’s for that matter!) Other candies are nice too – I love anything in the “blue” (blueberry? blue raspberry? bloo???) flavor variety (hahaha!). Swedish fish and gummy bears are nice too. IMPORANT: Sadly I’m allergic to most tree nuts… some are ok and others are deadly… But really, I don’t expect anyone to have to go to the trouble of analyzing ingredients on my behalf.
7. What other crafts or Do-It-Yourself things do you like to do? Do you spin?
I love to sew – I’m a complete fabric whore! I’ve been making things since I was little – my mom is a very talented crafter and seamstress. Outside of knitting I’m primarily a mixed media artist so I love found objects, paper, trinkets, buttons, fibers… anything interesting! I learned drop spindle spinning in college (I have a fine arts degree) and would love to do it again as well as learn to spin on a wheel.
8. What kind of music do you like? Can your computer/stereo play MP3s? (if your buddy wants to make you a CD) My musical tastes are somewhat varied and complicated! I have a few things listed on my blog profile & my MySpace page. I can play MP3’s.
9. What's your favorite color(s)? Any colors you just can't stand? I love retro-y colors. Pink + brown + orange + aqua + lime green…. but I really can’t say there are any colors I don’t like.
10. What is your family situation? Do you have any pets? Husband of 11 years and a darling 9 year old son. Sadly my kitty died a year ago and we aren’t ready for any new pets just yet.
11. Do you wear scarves, hats, mittens or ponchos?
Yep! I look stupid in hats but I wear ‘em anyway! Hehehe!
12. What is/are your favorite item/s to knit?
I’ll try anything once! I like socks. I also love knitting with the intent to felt.
13. What are you knitting right now?
A hat my husband has requested (nay, demanded!), a baby sweater for my brother-in-law’s impending bundle of joy, 2 pairs of socks for myself.
14. Do you like to receive handmade gifts?
Yes!!!
15. Do you prefer straight or circular needles? Bamboo, aluminum, plastic?
All of the above? I use both straight and circulars as necessary. I prefer wood and bamboo needles most and plastic the least but I wouldn’t turn away a good lookin’ needle no matter what it was made of. I recently bought a set of Addi Turbo circulars… I don’t hate them but I’m not sure if I like them yet either.
16. Do you own a yarn winder and/or swift?I don’t but my mom has a winder. I’ve trained the hubby to help me wind yarn the old fashioned way.
17. How old is your oldest UFO? Hah! Are you kidding me??? I bet I have unfinished craft projects from when I was a child! But my oldest knitting UFO is probably a scarf I started for my husband when we were dating… so 12 years old?
18. What is your favorite holiday?
My birthday! Hahaha! I don’t really have a favorite. I like ‘em all, especially if there are presents and/or good things to eat.
19. Is there anything that you collect?
I’m a packrat… so the question is: what do I NOT collect…. But I love vintage sewing notions, old buttons and squirrels (figurines and tchotchkes and such, not actual live rodent).
20. Any books, yarns, needles or patterns out there you are dying to get your hands on? What knitting magazine subscriptions do you have?
There is nothing I have a burning desire for. I sort of live for the moment and covet beautiful things as I see them. I have a few knitting and spinning books on my Amazon wish list.
I do love Brittany needles (I only have a couple of pairs)… or any wooden needles with the pretty little carved ends. I don’t have any magazine subs but I really like Spin-Off for the interesting info about wool and fibers and techniques, even though I don’t really actively spin at the moment (I know! I’m such a nerd). Otherwise, I only buy knitting magazines when something catches my eye.
21. Are there any new techniques you'd like to learn? Not sure. I’m really interested in lace patterns and I’ve tried a few but I’ve gotten frustrated with dropping yarn overs and keeping track of the stitches. Are there pretty lace patterns for the ADD afflicted??
22. Are you a sock knitter? What are your foot measurements?
Yes! Love knitting socks! I wear a women’s size 9 shoe – my feet are sort of normal/average…. 9 ½ in length – 8 ½ - 9 in circumference
23. When is your birthday?
September 23. I’m a Libra.
Baaaaaaaaaah.
I am a sheep. A blind follower. I joined the cult of MySpace. My disdain has been replaced by the fact that everyone... I mean EVERYONE.... has a MySpace page. And I simply cannot to be outdone by every online predator in the universe. Or my 12 year old cousin. Or my grandmother.
Ok, so my grandmother doesn't have a MySpace page. She's more of a Buzznet kind of gal.
Ok, so my grandmother doesn't have a MySpace page. She's more of a Buzznet kind of gal.
when life give you lemons....
....squeeze them in your eyes so that your tears of pain look more convincing.
It is frikkin' COLD in Maryland. Yesterday it got down into the single digits. Farenheit. And I woke up this morning to a frozen pipe in the kitchen. So I'm on the waiting list with the plumber to get someone over here. Hopefully it didn't burst.
I'm trying to be positive here but it amazes me how when I get a millimeter ahead, life comes along and knocks me back exactly even. Because we are refinancing, there is no urgency to pay a couple of bills so I was feeling pretty comfortable. But now that cushion money will be spent on the plumber who will charge us just to come to our house. Cha-ching. Before they even set foot in the house.
I wonder what I did in a previous life? Karma sure likes to kick me in the ass every so often in an excrutiating kind of way.
It is frikkin' COLD in Maryland. Yesterday it got down into the single digits. Farenheit. And I woke up this morning to a frozen pipe in the kitchen. So I'm on the waiting list with the plumber to get someone over here. Hopefully it didn't burst.
I'm trying to be positive here but it amazes me how when I get a millimeter ahead, life comes along and knocks me back exactly even. Because we are refinancing, there is no urgency to pay a couple of bills so I was feeling pretty comfortable. But now that cushion money will be spent on the plumber who will charge us just to come to our house. Cha-ching. Before they even set foot in the house.
I wonder what I did in a previous life? Karma sure likes to kick me in the ass every so often in an excrutiating kind of way.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
slightly feverish
Wintertime plague is making its way around... Connor has strep, the neighbor kids have had a miriade of yuck and now I have a slight fever, earache and sore throat. Argh.
But life must go on. We are re-financing and since the appraiser is coming tomorrow, I've been trying to shovel some of my crap into orderly heaps so he won't immediately assume we are a crazy cat family minus the cats.
I think my laundry is the most out of hand. We only have one small bedroom closet (Connor's room) and a weird shallow "closet" in our room with shelves in it. Couple that with waaaay too many clothes, bulging waistlines (and the delusion that we must hang on to the "skinny" clothes lest they suddenly fit) and the desire most days to do anything but laundry... you can see how this is always an ordeal.
But I digress... the point of this post is a memory. I've always been fascinated with the science of smell - the fact that it is supposed to be the sense most related to memory. I don't know if its really true or not but I believe in it.
When I do whites I'm always reminded on this boy I dated in high school. I guess "dated" is an overstatement. We hung out within a group of friends and I relentlessly pursued him, we went out a few times, we made out a bunch, we held the label of "boyfriend/girlfriend" for a few weeks and then he cheated on me. He fascinated me and I was terrified of him. He ended up marrying one of my friends when I was in college - after they had 2 kids together.
The smell of bleach on warm, clean clothes dredges up cerebral memories of the time before I actually went out with him. When I was obsessed with impressing him and daydreamed about being his girlfriend. I clearly remember going to his house one day after school.... thoroughly verboten for both of us since his parents weren't home and I was surely supposed to be somewhere else.
Some of our friends had to have been there too but I remember it just being the two of us in his bedroom for a few minutes. I was terrified and thrilled being alone with him. I lay back on his bed and he leaned over me, his hands on either side of my shoulders. His face was inches from mine, he was looking into my eyes and I could feel my heart pounding so hard. I was hoping he would kiss me but I couldn't make the first move. There was sunlight coming through the window, it was warm in the room and so quiet I could just hear the sound of our breath.
Something ruined the moment... maybe the phone rang or a car drove by or one of our friends called out from another room. Whatever it was, the magic was broken. He reached for a sweatshirt above me and the sleeve of his shirt touched my face and I could smell the bleach his mother used in his laundry. And forever after that, I think of that moment when I do laundry and pull bleach-scented whites out of the dryer.
But life must go on. We are re-financing and since the appraiser is coming tomorrow, I've been trying to shovel some of my crap into orderly heaps so he won't immediately assume we are a crazy cat family minus the cats.
I think my laundry is the most out of hand. We only have one small bedroom closet (Connor's room) and a weird shallow "closet" in our room with shelves in it. Couple that with waaaay too many clothes, bulging waistlines (and the delusion that we must hang on to the "skinny" clothes lest they suddenly fit) and the desire most days to do anything but laundry... you can see how this is always an ordeal.
But I digress... the point of this post is a memory. I've always been fascinated with the science of smell - the fact that it is supposed to be the sense most related to memory. I don't know if its really true or not but I believe in it.
When I do whites I'm always reminded on this boy I dated in high school. I guess "dated" is an overstatement. We hung out within a group of friends and I relentlessly pursued him, we went out a few times, we made out a bunch, we held the label of "boyfriend/girlfriend" for a few weeks and then he cheated on me. He fascinated me and I was terrified of him. He ended up marrying one of my friends when I was in college - after they had 2 kids together.
The smell of bleach on warm, clean clothes dredges up cerebral memories of the time before I actually went out with him. When I was obsessed with impressing him and daydreamed about being his girlfriend. I clearly remember going to his house one day after school.... thoroughly verboten for both of us since his parents weren't home and I was surely supposed to be somewhere else.
Some of our friends had to have been there too but I remember it just being the two of us in his bedroom for a few minutes. I was terrified and thrilled being alone with him. I lay back on his bed and he leaned over me, his hands on either side of my shoulders. His face was inches from mine, he was looking into my eyes and I could feel my heart pounding so hard. I was hoping he would kiss me but I couldn't make the first move. There was sunlight coming through the window, it was warm in the room and so quiet I could just hear the sound of our breath.
Something ruined the moment... maybe the phone rang or a car drove by or one of our friends called out from another room. Whatever it was, the magic was broken. He reached for a sweatshirt above me and the sleeve of his shirt touched my face and I could smell the bleach his mother used in his laundry. And forever after that, I think of that moment when I do laundry and pull bleach-scented whites out of the dryer.
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