Stephanie Cake

Life goes by entirely too quickly. I was driving Connor home from the pool recently and I was running through this long list in my head of all the shit I needed to get done. And Connor was finding creatures and shapes in the clouds and the trees and so I started trying to look with him and I thought about how much I miss being a kid. Not having any worries. Having my whole life ahead of me. Finding bunnies and bears in the shapes of the clouds instead of worrying about paying the bills and returning calls.

Don't get me wrong. I mostly like my life. At least at the moment. I just don't feel like I have the time to enjoy anything. Totally flies in the face of my job. All week long I teach tolerance and decision making and change management and I think I am the poster child for the struggle. I rarely practice what I preach.

Yesterday I found out that my dad got remarried recently. How nice to get an invitation, I thought. I just wanted to have a tantrum about it. How could he?! I don't care that he's re-married. I know her and if she makes him happy then I'm happy for him. I have no deep seated delusion about my parents being back together -- in fact it creeps me out to think about that. But how could he not tell me that he was making this change in his life??

I'm his only child. But he hasn't talked to me in almost 4 years. I send him Christmas cards and Father's Day cards and birthday cards. But I never hear from him. Adulthood sucks. If I was a kid I could cry about it and someone might console me. When you're an adult, no one cares when you're devastated. No one cares when you're sad. You're supposed to get over it or pay for therapy.

I know its totally selfish but I just want someone to tell me its all going to be ok. And know that it is. And mean it. I want someone to take my emotional burdens and slow down time so I can enjoy life. I want permission to have fun and not worry. I want to stop crying alone.