Stephanie Cake

I had been planning to write a witty diatribe concerning a recent trip to Home Creepo.. err Depot.. and the madness I encountered there early last week. But alas the annual holiday depression has decended.

This happened last year. This happened the year before. This always happens. Late November = sadness, lethargy, anxiety... the whole mental illness stew. Regardless of my medication, it keeps coming around. Its like I'm trapped in a smoky, foggy bubble. Little things, like getting up and making dinner, seem insumountable.

I had been walking like a fiend every morning over the past few weeks and I think the exercise was doing me some good. This week, I haven't been able to get myself in gear to go out.

Thank goodness for the one friend I have who will listen to my tears, put up with my moods and act understanding (because he does understand). Sadly, all of this shoulder crying takes place via IM because he currently lives in LA. Damn him for his never ending cross country moves. But at least he's there. And I love him for it. I don't think he can imagine what a life line he has been over the last few years... or my whole frickkin' life for that matter 'cuz I've known him for 15 years.

Everyone else I know is so wrapped up in their own shit. There are so many people that I can't dump on. Because I'm the one they dump their shit on. And they are in no shape for reciprocal shit dumping. Or else they just don't understand. Or they can't understand.

Perspective. He said something about that to me today and it really hit home. I think I've been subconsciously trying to have perspective but haven't been cutting it. I didn't count my blessings on Thanksgiving the way I always try to..... Perhaps its time to TCB on that tip:

• My immediate family
• My close friends (all 2.5 of them!)
• My health
• The opportunities presented to me
• My creativity
• My grandmother's pumpkin pie and my mother-in-law's stuffin' muffins

My job situation isn't so hot right now and I know that's really getting me down. Being by myself most of the day is not good because I am my own worst enemy. My total lack of communication with my father in years isn't so good either. My overall goal-less-ness and lack of direction feels like a huge obstacle.

But there are people with so much less than me. The soldiers in Iraq, Afghanistan and Kosovo are living in terrible conditions and won't be with their families for the holidays. That alone makes me feel like shit for feeling like shit. And the cycle of beating myself up trudges on.

I have always been one of those compassionate, mothering people. While I don't have a maternal instinct, persay, (just ask my kid!) and can't say that I've totally selfless, I am always driven to take care of people and help people in need. I always try to be there for my friends. I try to give advice when its asked for. I will listen endlessly. I have a really hard time saying no. I've tried to be stable and responsible for my whole family. I've shouldered lots of guilt.... and I'm not even Catholic. I was raised not to be selfish.

Right now I just want someone to come to my rescue. To wrap me in a blanket of security. To take care of me. To give me good news. With no strings attached. To say its ok. All of it. Its all ok. But I don't think that hero is coming anytime soon. So I have to get my shit together and be my own hero.