Tuesday, October 12, 2004
The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe.....
Must have off her f'ing rocker with all those kids.
I have said it before, but let's get it on the record again... I HATE CHILDREN.
My own precious angel is 100% excluded, of course.
On October 10, a monumentous event occured. I lost every intelligent and logical bit of sense I ever had and hosted a birthday party for my 7 year old and 15 other kids. Several of whom were the offspring of friends. The remainder were his classmates. Ages ranged from 2 1/2 to 10. The only good that came of this was that it did not happen at my home.
It was 2 hours of the most pure, unadulterated discomfort I have ever endured. Menstrual cramps and festering flesh wounds are a delight compared to wearing a smile in the face of miniature evil. The US military has got it all wrong... humilation and corporal torture are not the best weapons against enemy terrorists. The prisoners at Abu Graib should be forced into a Chuck E. Cheese at noon on a Sunday with a dozen or more school aged darlings who are all high on cake and Kool Aid. That'll get 'em talking.
Here was the premise: Have the party at the local park where they do a nature program. For $200 I got the space and a naturalist who was to lead a nature craft, a short hike and conduct a program with the nature center's birds of prey and reptiles. They would get a polaroid picture of themselves standing by one of the birds and a treat bag full of nature goodies and candy. Then they would eat cake, and 2 hours having quietly passed, they would go home! HAH!!!! I must have been smoking some tainted crack when I came up with this.
First of all, until July, my significant other, god love him, was the leader of said nature program. He was moved to a thankless administrative job at another park because his superiors are asshats. He desperately misses the animals at the nature center as well as the educational programs he used to do. Coupled with the fact that the part-time naturalist we ended up with for this party wasn't the best with children. So there was lots tension. And lots of my spouse being pissed off. And leading the hike himself.
Then there was the $200 that turned into about $300 or more.... I never thought about the exhorbitant cost of Polaroid film (which we never even used), all the crap in the treat bags, the cake ($30!!!! WTF!?!?!), the cups, plates, napkins....
All that is minor to the fact that some of these children were quite annoying. The boys were just rowdy. The girls were MONSTERS. Kicking empty cups across the room. Throwing cake at each other. Yipes. The best quote was during the hike.... Rob was talking about where animals live in the park, etc. when one little girl raised her hand "Are we in school or something????" He mercilessly ignored her, god bless him. I left during the animal program to set up the cake/plates/etc. I'm sure there were memorable hijinks at that point too.
Then there was the scuffle during present opening time (which we really didn't plan on doing there in front of all the kids, but we had time so we foolishly allowed it).... a tug-of-war really, between one of the girls and one of the boys, over a bow/curly ribbon. I snatched it from them just as the high pitched screaming started. There was also the kid who took back the card that he gave Connor a giftcard in. So I can only count on Connor's word who the heck he is and who we should be thanking for said giftcard.
THEN, there was the Thank You Note writing. The only sensible thing I did in this whole thing, perhaps, was purchase pre-printed thank you cards ("Dear______, Thank you for the ________! I really like it a lot!") I'm sure some will think this method tacky. But I ask you, please have a little pity for my sanity after the whole ordeal and just be thankful that I got my kid to say thank you at all!
The best part is that I came home last night and found we got invitations to 2 of these kids' parties later in the month. Can you hear the maniacal laughter, deep in the evil streak of my dead and blackened soul, as I contemplate the payback for these parents??????? MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA....................
I have said it before, but let's get it on the record again... I HATE CHILDREN.
My own precious angel is 100% excluded, of course.
On October 10, a monumentous event occured. I lost every intelligent and logical bit of sense I ever had and hosted a birthday party for my 7 year old and 15 other kids. Several of whom were the offspring of friends. The remainder were his classmates. Ages ranged from 2 1/2 to 10. The only good that came of this was that it did not happen at my home.
It was 2 hours of the most pure, unadulterated discomfort I have ever endured. Menstrual cramps and festering flesh wounds are a delight compared to wearing a smile in the face of miniature evil. The US military has got it all wrong... humilation and corporal torture are not the best weapons against enemy terrorists. The prisoners at Abu Graib should be forced into a Chuck E. Cheese at noon on a Sunday with a dozen or more school aged darlings who are all high on cake and Kool Aid. That'll get 'em talking.
Here was the premise: Have the party at the local park where they do a nature program. For $200 I got the space and a naturalist who was to lead a nature craft, a short hike and conduct a program with the nature center's birds of prey and reptiles. They would get a polaroid picture of themselves standing by one of the birds and a treat bag full of nature goodies and candy. Then they would eat cake, and 2 hours having quietly passed, they would go home! HAH!!!! I must have been smoking some tainted crack when I came up with this.
First of all, until July, my significant other, god love him, was the leader of said nature program. He was moved to a thankless administrative job at another park because his superiors are asshats. He desperately misses the animals at the nature center as well as the educational programs he used to do. Coupled with the fact that the part-time naturalist we ended up with for this party wasn't the best with children. So there was lots tension. And lots of my spouse being pissed off. And leading the hike himself.
Then there was the $200 that turned into about $300 or more.... I never thought about the exhorbitant cost of Polaroid film (which we never even used), all the crap in the treat bags, the cake ($30!!!! WTF!?!?!), the cups, plates, napkins....
All that is minor to the fact that some of these children were quite annoying. The boys were just rowdy. The girls were MONSTERS. Kicking empty cups across the room. Throwing cake at each other. Yipes. The best quote was during the hike.... Rob was talking about where animals live in the park, etc. when one little girl raised her hand "Are we in school or something????" He mercilessly ignored her, god bless him. I left during the animal program to set up the cake/plates/etc. I'm sure there were memorable hijinks at that point too.
Then there was the scuffle during present opening time (which we really didn't plan on doing there in front of all the kids, but we had time so we foolishly allowed it).... a tug-of-war really, between one of the girls and one of the boys, over a bow/curly ribbon. I snatched it from them just as the high pitched screaming started. There was also the kid who took back the card that he gave Connor a giftcard in. So I can only count on Connor's word who the heck he is and who we should be thanking for said giftcard.
THEN, there was the Thank You Note writing. The only sensible thing I did in this whole thing, perhaps, was purchase pre-printed thank you cards ("Dear______, Thank you for the ________! I really like it a lot!") I'm sure some will think this method tacky. But I ask you, please have a little pity for my sanity after the whole ordeal and just be thankful that I got my kid to say thank you at all!
The best part is that I came home last night and found we got invitations to 2 of these kids' parties later in the month. Can you hear the maniacal laughter, deep in the evil streak of my dead and blackened soul, as I contemplate the payback for these parents??????? MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA....................
// posted by Stephanie Cake @ 10/12/2004 06:01:00 PM 
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