Sunday, March 28, 2010
Spring Fever... or Maybe Madness?!
A few months ago time was flying by and I was in a whirlwind. Now its moving so fast I'm not even sure where I am sometimes. Strangely enough, even though the early part of 2010 was kind of sucky, this part hasn't been so bad. Crazy ups and downs but mostly walking around with a positive outlook. Closing in on April makes me anxious but I'm feeling motivated. Feeling like I can manage. The top of the hill is in sight. Not there yet but feel my second wind coming. Know I'm going to make it.
I've started running again - 2 or so miles every day for the past 4 days. I haven't been running since late summer 2007 - fell off the wagon big time when I went back to the corporate world. My weight has fluctuated over the past few years, I've been under enormous stress for the past year and my lifestyle hasn't been the healthiest.
Wasn't a ground breaking epiphany or anything but I've settled into a commitment to slow down, pay attention to what I need and reset some priorities. 37 is fast approaching and I need it to happen on a positive note.
Running hurts and I don't enjoy it. I'm slow and plod along. But I suprised myself by falling back into the routine and maybe even doing better than I remember from my last adventure in running. I don't think running is ever going to be my thing but it feels like my saving grace this week.
I've mentally checked out of work for the last few days. And frankly it feels good. I've taken vacation to help Mom following her knee surgery. A topic for another post... but she's doing great. However, suffice it to say I think I was more scared and worried for her than I let myself admit. So, all in all, it feels like a few tons of weight have been lifted.
I've started running again - 2 or so miles every day for the past 4 days. I haven't been running since late summer 2007 - fell off the wagon big time when I went back to the corporate world. My weight has fluctuated over the past few years, I've been under enormous stress for the past year and my lifestyle hasn't been the healthiest.
Wasn't a ground breaking epiphany or anything but I've settled into a commitment to slow down, pay attention to what I need and reset some priorities. 37 is fast approaching and I need it to happen on a positive note.
Running hurts and I don't enjoy it. I'm slow and plod along. But I suprised myself by falling back into the routine and maybe even doing better than I remember from my last adventure in running. I don't think running is ever going to be my thing but it feels like my saving grace this week.
I've mentally checked out of work for the last few days. And frankly it feels good. I've taken vacation to help Mom following her knee surgery. A topic for another post... but she's doing great. However, suffice it to say I think I was more scared and worried for her than I let myself admit. So, all in all, it feels like a few tons of weight have been lifted.
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Girl power... and RAGE
I will preface this by saying I have been to happy hour with the girls. Coherency is not necessarily at the forefront right now but passion is... I write when passion overtakes me. So here goes. Forgive my lack of editorial prowess. Not to mention the profanity.
I have a friend... we're not close. She's actually the friend of a friend but I care about her. She's a nice person and... well... GIRL POWER, you know? Anyway. She's in an abusive relationship. I can't even fathom this. If Mr. Cake ever hit me, I would f-ck his sh*t up. Like, BAD. Without a second thought. But he would never do that. And after an evening with my friend, I want to hug and kiss him until he squeals. Because he's a good guy. He loves me and respects me and would NEVER intentionally hurt me.
I don't understand this relationship my friend is in. She says, "I'm going to get hit tonight. I got my hair cut and I smell like beer." WHAT???? WHAT THE F-CK????????? I want to punch and scream and throw a tantrum when I hear that. How can she live with that? HOW??? WHY?!?!?!?
Mr. Cake may not always like my choices or my actions. And he may get a little passive agressive by leaving dirty dishes for me or piling my stray shoes on my side of the bed to make a point... but dear god, the man would never intentionally HURT me.
The only person I love more than Mr. Cake is Connor Cake. And I love myself only a millimeter less than I love Mr. Cake. In drunken, Thirsty Thursday, Happy Hour measurements, I love Mr. Cake, Connor Cake and myself incrementally about the same. For this reason I don't put up with sh*t as it pertains to abuse of any one of those three people. Meaning Mr. Cake, Connor Cake and myself.
If anyone or anything threatens those three people... meaning Mr. Cake, Connor Cake, or myself... I will not stop until that person or thing is annihilated or otherwise contained in such a way that it is no longer a threat. I will get shrill and I will flail around and throw punches. I will contemplate vehicular homocide. I will look around for heavy blunt objects. And to only a slightly lesser degree I feel this way about my friends and family. You know - the people I love and respect.
I want to kick and punch the bad guys. Until its a straight up crime scene. I would lay down a blood bath of insanity if the people I love are threatened. I guess I'm a very LUCKY person that I've never had to officially take this action. I've gotten mouthy. I've gotten bitchy. I've never had to actually shoot anyone. But I swear to f-cking god I would if I had to. No questions asked. Life in prison is no contest against saving someone I love from being hurt.
My friend S.B. (who I know the abused friend through) said, "This is what I go through all the time with her. Don't you see? Until she wants to get away from him, there's nothing we can do!" And sadly, I realize THERE ISN'T. So the victim becomes the villian. I want to shake her. I want her to SEE. I want her to see how beautiful she is and how she doesn't deserve this awful treatment. How there are men out there - who are worthy of respect - who will respect her in return.
I could never love... or respect... or even tolerate... a man who would be abusive towards a woman. Its disgusting. Its one of the most disgusting and repulsive things I can think of. It makes me physically sick and furious at the same time. And I've had such a bad week at work that I want to get my hands on this man and hurt him. Hurt him in worse ways than he hurts my friend. But what does that say about ME? Does that make me no better than him?
I disdain traditional feminism because I kind of feel like feminists need to lighten up... but moments like this make me a true believer. Women are traditionally taken advantage of and are easily made powerless. We are made to feel worthless. Men capitalize on our emotions. Men easily have the upper hand 90% of the time. So much of our world is patriarchal and women are marginalized. Yet without women there would be no world. If we stopped reproducing it would all end. Finis. Finito. Adios motherf-ckers.
Every man has a woman to thank for his existance. But how many men really truly appreciate the fact that without a vagina they would not exist? Its not a particularly manly thing to appreciate, is it?
This horrible abusive man... I have a little "Back to the Future" fantasy... I wish I could have shut the productivity of his mother's womb down in time to save the world from him. He has no worth. There is nothing he could do to make me appreciate his existance. What purpose does he serve if he spends one second abusing a woman? none. NONE WHATSOEVER.
Its horrifying. This terrible, abusive man is HORRIFYING. And my rage toward him horrifies me. The fact that I could imagine myself kicking and biting and scratching and punching and committing countless forms of violence against this man horrifies me to no end. God help me when I sober up. It'll probably be even more horrifying then. But it sure as sh*t won't be any less true.
I have a friend... we're not close. She's actually the friend of a friend but I care about her. She's a nice person and... well... GIRL POWER, you know? Anyway. She's in an abusive relationship. I can't even fathom this. If Mr. Cake ever hit me, I would f-ck his sh*t up. Like, BAD. Without a second thought. But he would never do that. And after an evening with my friend, I want to hug and kiss him until he squeals. Because he's a good guy. He loves me and respects me and would NEVER intentionally hurt me.
I don't understand this relationship my friend is in. She says, "I'm going to get hit tonight. I got my hair cut and I smell like beer." WHAT???? WHAT THE F-CK????????? I want to punch and scream and throw a tantrum when I hear that. How can she live with that? HOW??? WHY?!?!?!?
Mr. Cake may not always like my choices or my actions. And he may get a little passive agressive by leaving dirty dishes for me or piling my stray shoes on my side of the bed to make a point... but dear god, the man would never intentionally HURT me.
The only person I love more than Mr. Cake is Connor Cake. And I love myself only a millimeter less than I love Mr. Cake. In drunken, Thirsty Thursday, Happy Hour measurements, I love Mr. Cake, Connor Cake and myself incrementally about the same. For this reason I don't put up with sh*t as it pertains to abuse of any one of those three people. Meaning Mr. Cake, Connor Cake and myself.
If anyone or anything threatens those three people... meaning Mr. Cake, Connor Cake, or myself... I will not stop until that person or thing is annihilated or otherwise contained in such a way that it is no longer a threat. I will get shrill and I will flail around and throw punches. I will contemplate vehicular homocide. I will look around for heavy blunt objects. And to only a slightly lesser degree I feel this way about my friends and family. You know - the people I love and respect.
I want to kick and punch the bad guys. Until its a straight up crime scene. I would lay down a blood bath of insanity if the people I love are threatened. I guess I'm a very LUCKY person that I've never had to officially take this action. I've gotten mouthy. I've gotten bitchy. I've never had to actually shoot anyone. But I swear to f-cking god I would if I had to. No questions asked. Life in prison is no contest against saving someone I love from being hurt.
My friend S.B. (who I know the abused friend through) said, "This is what I go through all the time with her. Don't you see? Until she wants to get away from him, there's nothing we can do!" And sadly, I realize THERE ISN'T. So the victim becomes the villian. I want to shake her. I want her to SEE. I want her to see how beautiful she is and how she doesn't deserve this awful treatment. How there are men out there - who are worthy of respect - who will respect her in return.
I could never love... or respect... or even tolerate... a man who would be abusive towards a woman. Its disgusting. Its one of the most disgusting and repulsive things I can think of. It makes me physically sick and furious at the same time. And I've had such a bad week at work that I want to get my hands on this man and hurt him. Hurt him in worse ways than he hurts my friend. But what does that say about ME? Does that make me no better than him?
I disdain traditional feminism because I kind of feel like feminists need to lighten up... but moments like this make me a true believer. Women are traditionally taken advantage of and are easily made powerless. We are made to feel worthless. Men capitalize on our emotions. Men easily have the upper hand 90% of the time. So much of our world is patriarchal and women are marginalized. Yet without women there would be no world. If we stopped reproducing it would all end. Finis. Finito. Adios motherf-ckers.
Every man has a woman to thank for his existance. But how many men really truly appreciate the fact that without a vagina they would not exist? Its not a particularly manly thing to appreciate, is it?
This horrible abusive man... I have a little "Back to the Future" fantasy... I wish I could have shut the productivity of his mother's womb down in time to save the world from him. He has no worth. There is nothing he could do to make me appreciate his existance. What purpose does he serve if he spends one second abusing a woman? none. NONE WHATSOEVER.
Its horrifying. This terrible, abusive man is HORRIFYING. And my rage toward him horrifies me. The fact that I could imagine myself kicking and biting and scratching and punching and committing countless forms of violence against this man horrifies me to no end. God help me when I sober up. It'll probably be even more horrifying then. But it sure as sh*t won't be any less true.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Weary
This morning I came to work to find an email from a co-worker... Subject line was "Things that make you go hmmmm..." General gist of the message was "thought you might want to take a look at this."
The PDF attachment was training content. It featured the logo of one of our major competitors and other identifying information. Except... the content was material that I wrote. Those mother f-ckers got our intellectual property - stuff I have slaved over and been abused about and taken flack for over the past 2 years - and repackaged it WORD FOR WORD.
Its no suprise. The world is a cold, hateful place and stuff like this happens. But its disappointing to say the least. Not to mention that the industry I work in has faced a lot of criticism over the years due to ethical issues. Recent upheaval and stronger regulations are supposedly "raising the bar in the industry and weeding out the unscrupulous players."
One of the ways the bar is supposedly being raised is by requiring minimum education to qualify for licensing. Which is where the company I work for comes in. We are approved to provide the education. But riddle me this Batman... how is the bar being raised when our competitors are just as shady and unethical as the scumbags that the education is intended to weed out??
I get a lot of grief because I tend to have a negative attitude - approach my world with the glass half empty. But honestly, a positive attitude is hard to come by when this is the kind of stuff life is made of. However, I will concede to one positive... despite the never ending criticism I get about my work, at least it was good enough for our scumbag competitor to steal and distribute with no changes.
The PDF attachment was training content. It featured the logo of one of our major competitors and other identifying information. Except... the content was material that I wrote. Those mother f-ckers got our intellectual property - stuff I have slaved over and been abused about and taken flack for over the past 2 years - and repackaged it WORD FOR WORD.
Its no suprise. The world is a cold, hateful place and stuff like this happens. But its disappointing to say the least. Not to mention that the industry I work in has faced a lot of criticism over the years due to ethical issues. Recent upheaval and stronger regulations are supposedly "raising the bar in the industry and weeding out the unscrupulous players."
One of the ways the bar is supposedly being raised is by requiring minimum education to qualify for licensing. Which is where the company I work for comes in. We are approved to provide the education. But riddle me this Batman... how is the bar being raised when our competitors are just as shady and unethical as the scumbags that the education is intended to weed out??
I get a lot of grief because I tend to have a negative attitude - approach my world with the glass half empty. But honestly, a positive attitude is hard to come by when this is the kind of stuff life is made of. However, I will concede to one positive... despite the never ending criticism I get about my work, at least it was good enough for our scumbag competitor to steal and distribute with no changes.
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