Stephanie Cake

He opens a window. I hate dorky ass cliches like that. But this week has been oddly reminiscent of the sentiment. Perhaps I'm cashing in on some serious karma.

When I found out that I was going to get bumped for a scheduled week from my $500/day consulting job I nearly vomited. Oh woe is me... the bills that are piling up, the menacing ghost of the IRS looming over my unpaid quarterly taxes, the roof that needs repair, the holidays coming. And then, just as my Free Will Astrology horoscope for the week indicated, the window opened, and something came through for 2 days/week for the next month. A very nice consolation prize.

Unfortunately, emotionally, I feel the impending doom of end of the year depression. I keep putting things off and I haven't made much headway on several pretty important projects. I feel like I'm skating by right now. Skin of my teeth kind of thing. Lack of intestinal fortitude. Absence of motivation and ambition.

At this very moment in time I am feeling: hostile. uncreative. sad. ambivalent. spacey. unloved. cold (goddamn! we need to turn on the heat!). uncomfortable. intuitive dread. heavy hearted.

Step #1:

Step #2:
Continue taking pictures until cat freaks out and bites the shit out of you.

I've been somewhat of a winner lately. In stark contrast to how I'm usually a weiner.

Check it: http://www.artitudezine.com/18autumn05schooldazecontest.htm (see: Valedictorian)

I may have already posted this.. can't really remember:
http://www.ebsqart.com/Artists/cmd_7255_profile_portfolio__1_3_G.htm

Yay me!

Dear Home Depot Associates,

I hate you with an upmatched fury. You are uncaring and self centered. You are the opitome of bad customer service.

When I am seeking help in your establishment, proper responses do not include: "Ask the guy at the key machine.", "What do you expect me to do?", nor "I have no earthly idea. Sorry." I am generally not asking for the answers to the New York Times crossword puzzle or your opinion on quantum physics topics. Rather I only need to be directed to the location of various products.

Perhaps you are as confused as I am concerning the layout of your establishment -- indeed it appears that drug snorting monkeys designed the product placement within. However, your intent to help me would be much appreciated. I certainly don't expect you to know the exact planogram coordinate of every item in the store but I simple "Let me find out for you." might circumvent my mounting rage.

Now, Guy Working At The Key Machine... I have important, additional instruction for you. Should I interrupt your personal cell phone call regarding your after hours DJ gig, to inquire about the location of a tool, there are two reasons why you shouldn't send me to ask the people at the paint counter because you "have no idea" and would clearly rather not bother:

1. The people at the paint counter quite possibly don't know where within the store to find a pop riveter... afterall, unlike you, they work in PAINT, not HAND TOOLS and HARDWARE.
2. There isn't anyone AT the paint counter.

For future reference, the pop riverters are located one aisle away from the key machine with the staple guns and whatnot. I found them on my own, no thanks to you.

So, people of Home Depot, I beg of you... if you do not enjoy the WORK involved in WORKING at a customer service job in the home improvement and hardware industry, please stop makingmy life miserable and find another line of work. If I wanted complete ignorance about handtools I would just save myself the trouble and shop at Wal-Mart.

Best regards,

Stephanie

Conversation overheard this morning:

HIM: There are three waffles left.

ME: Yeah. So?

HIM: How many does Connor eat for breakfast.

ME: Usually one.

HIM: Can you toast the other two for me?

ME: Sure

HIM: Are you going out anywhere today?

ME: Maybe... why?

HIM: Because we're out of waffles.