Stephanie Cake

I had been planning to write a witty diatribe concerning a recent trip to Home Creepo.. err Depot.. and the madness I encountered there early last week. But alas the annual holiday depression has decended.

This happened last year. This happened the year before. This always happens. Late November = sadness, lethargy, anxiety... the whole mental illness stew. Regardless of my medication, it keeps coming around. Its like I'm trapped in a smoky, foggy bubble. Little things, like getting up and making dinner, seem insumountable.

I had been walking like a fiend every morning over the past few weeks and I think the exercise was doing me some good. This week, I haven't been able to get myself in gear to go out.

Thank goodness for the one friend I have who will listen to my tears, put up with my moods and act understanding (because he does understand). Sadly, all of this shoulder crying takes place via IM because he currently lives in LA. Damn him for his never ending cross country moves. But at least he's there. And I love him for it. I don't think he can imagine what a life line he has been over the last few years... or my whole frickkin' life for that matter 'cuz I've known him for 15 years.

Everyone else I know is so wrapped up in their own shit. There are so many people that I can't dump on. Because I'm the one they dump their shit on. And they are in no shape for reciprocal shit dumping. Or else they just don't understand. Or they can't understand.

Perspective. He said something about that to me today and it really hit home. I think I've been subconsciously trying to have perspective but haven't been cutting it. I didn't count my blessings on Thanksgiving the way I always try to..... Perhaps its time to TCB on that tip:

• My immediate family
• My close friends (all 2.5 of them!)
• My health
• The opportunities presented to me
• My creativity
• My grandmother's pumpkin pie and my mother-in-law's stuffin' muffins

My job situation isn't so hot right now and I know that's really getting me down. Being by myself most of the day is not good because I am my own worst enemy. My total lack of communication with my father in years isn't so good either. My overall goal-less-ness and lack of direction feels like a huge obstacle.

But there are people with so much less than me. The soldiers in Iraq, Afghanistan and Kosovo are living in terrible conditions and won't be with their families for the holidays. That alone makes me feel like shit for feeling like shit. And the cycle of beating myself up trudges on.

I have always been one of those compassionate, mothering people. While I don't have a maternal instinct, persay, (just ask my kid!) and can't say that I've totally selfless, I am always driven to take care of people and help people in need. I always try to be there for my friends. I try to give advice when its asked for. I will listen endlessly. I have a really hard time saying no. I've tried to be stable and responsible for my whole family. I've shouldered lots of guilt.... and I'm not even Catholic. I was raised not to be selfish.

Right now I just want someone to come to my rescue. To wrap me in a blanket of security. To take care of me. To give me good news. With no strings attached. To say its ok. All of it. Its all ok. But I don't think that hero is coming anytime soon. So I have to get my shit together and be my own hero.

So I'm sitting here at my computer, drink a hot chai tea.... hold on, I have to digress for a moment.... this chai tea is the BEST! about a year ago I bought a kings ransom worth of Safeway brand Spice Chai Tea mix when it was on sale... mix it with vanilla Silk soy milk... ahhhhh! Utter bliss.... anyway, back to my thoughts -- I'm sitting here struggling with my current vocation.

I'm doing some consulting for a friend. Unfortunately the first major projects are recruiting which I'm not a big fan of. But the rewards will be great if I can find some freakin' candidates. Why, oh why, are the qualified ones not interested and the totally, miserably unqualfied ones completely in abundance?!?!

I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. Wouldn't be a big deal if this were a 9-5 FTE position. But as a 1099 I don't get paid until my wheels stop spinning. Sigh.

On the other hand, I love not having to fight rush hour traffic. I like being able to relax at lunchtime and get some chores done. I like setting my own schedule and having dinner ready when the guys get home. I just plain like not having to answer to anyone other than the clients who are paying me and myself.

There are a lot of things I had forgotten about since my last "homebound" gig. The fact that the cat sleeps all day. That, after morning rush hour, the street is really quiet for awhile. That the day usually flies by insanely fast.

I'm still looking for happiness. Maybe its around the corner soon.

Today is Election Day. I did my civic duty and voted this afternoon (who'd I vote for? Nunya. I prefer to remain anonymous and non-partisan, thankyouverymuch). So I'm done. I'm moving on dot org. I am so sick of politics and blathering asshat politicians that I could f'ing shriek. Whomever wins, wins. And that is that.

Halloween was uneventful. Connor went as The Hulk. Our neighbors, Molly, Hannah and Henry went as a Prairie Girl, a Winged Unicorn and Superman(superman.jpg), respectively.


The makeup didn't work out very well. He looks more like a Dirty Hulk than an Incredible Hulk. I also just noticed the creepy nipples created by the darts in the costume. Ahhh. The madness and mayhem of H'ween.

Have been reading Keri Smith's website and her Wish Jar Tales. She's got some great ideas and advice on the lifestyle I wish to lead.

Also have been reading about J.D. Salinger (thanks to Ms. Smith and links from one of her articles). Total wierdness.