Stephanie Cake

Girl power... and RAGE

2010-03-04T22:15:00.003-05:00

I will preface this by saying I have been to happy hour with the girls. Coherency is not necessarily at the forefront right now but passion is... I write when passion overtakes me. So here goes. Forgive my lack of editorial prowess. Not to mention the profanity.

I have a friend... we're not close. She's actually the friend of a friend but I care about her. She's a nice person and... well... GIRL POWER, you know? Anyway. She's in an abusive relationship. I can't even fathom this. If Mr. Cake ever hit me, I would f-ck his sh*t up. Like, BAD. Without a second thought. But he would never do that. And after an evening with my friend, I want to hug and kiss him until he squeals. Because he's a good guy. He loves me and respects me and would NEVER intentionally hurt me.

I don't understand this relationship my friend is in. She says, "I'm going to get hit tonight. I got my hair cut and I smell like beer." WHAT???? WHAT THE F-CK????????? I want to punch and scream and throw a tantrum when I hear that. How can she live with that? HOW??? WHY?!?!?!?

Mr. Cake may not always like my choices or my actions. And he may get a little passive agressive by leaving dirty dishes for me or piling my stray shoes on my side of the bed to make a point... but dear god, the man would never intentionally HURT me.

The only person I love more than Mr. Cake is Connor Cake. And I love myself only a millimeter less than I love Mr. Cake. In drunken, Thirsty Thursday, Happy Hour measurements, I love Mr. Cake, Connor Cake and myself incrementally about the same. For this reason I don't put up with sh*t as it pertains to abuse of any one of those three people. Meaning Mr. Cake, Connor Cake and myself.

If anyone or anything threatens those three people... meaning Mr. Cake, Connor Cake, or myself... I will not stop until that person or thing is annihilated or otherwise contained in such a way that it is no longer a threat. I will get shrill and I will flail around and throw punches. I will contemplate vehicular homocide. I will look around for heavy blunt objects. And to only a slightly lesser degree I feel this way about my friends and family. You know - the people I love and respect.

I want to kick and punch the bad guys. Until its a straight up crime scene. I would lay down a blood bath of insanity if the people I love are threatened. I guess I'm a very LUCKY person that I've never had to officially take this action. I've gotten mouthy. I've gotten bitchy. I've never had to actually shoot anyone. But I swear to f-cking god I would if I had to. No questions asked. Life in prison is no contest against saving someone I love from being hurt.

My friend S.B. (who I know the abused friend through) said, "This is what I go through all the time with her. Don't you see? Until she wants to get away from him, there's nothing we can do!" And sadly, I realize THERE ISN'T. So the victim becomes the villian. I want to shake her. I want her to SEE. I want her to see how beautiful she is and how she doesn't deserve this awful treatment. How there are men out there - who are worthy of respect - who will respect her in return.

I could never love... or respect... or even tolerate... a man who would be abusive towards a woman. Its disgusting. Its one of the most disgusting and repulsive things I can think of. It makes me physically sick and furious at the same time. And I've had such a bad week at work that I want to get my hands on this man and hurt him. Hurt him in worse ways than he hurts my friend. But what does that say about ME? Does that make me no better than him?

I disdain traditional feminism because I kind of feel like feminists need to lighten up... but moments like this make me a true believer. Women are traditionally taken advantage of and are easily made powerless. We are made to feel worthless. Men capitalize on our emotions. Men easily have the upper hand 90% of the time. So much of our world is patriarchal and women are marginalized. Yet without women there would be no world. If we stopped reproducing it would all end. Finis. Finito. Adios motherf-ckers.

Every man has a woman to thank for his existance. But how many men really truly appreciate the fact that without a vagina they would not exist? Its not a particularly manly thing to appreciate, is it?

This horrible abusive man... I have a little "Back to the Future" fantasy... I wish I could have shut the productivity of his mother's womb down in time to save the world from him. He has no worth. There is nothing he could do to make me appreciate his existance. What purpose does he serve if he spends one second abusing a woman? none. NONE WHATSOEVER.

Its horrifying. This terrible, abusive man is HORRIFYING. And my rage toward him horrifies me. The fact that I could imagine myself kicking and biting and scratching and punching and committing countless forms of violence against this man horrifies me to no end. God help me when I sober up. It'll probably be even more horrifying then. But it sure as sh*t won't be any less true.

Weary

2010-03-03T20:08:00.002-05:00

This morning I came to work to find an email from a co-worker... Subject line was "Things that make you go hmmmm..." General gist of the message was "thought you might want to take a look at this."

The PDF attachment was training content. It featured the logo of one of our major competitors and other identifying information. Except... the content was material that I wrote. Those mother f-ckers got our intellectual property - stuff I have slaved over and been abused about and taken flack for over the past 2 years - and repackaged it WORD FOR WORD.

Its no suprise. The world is a cold, hateful place and stuff like this happens. But its disappointing to say the least. Not to mention that the industry I work in has faced a lot of criticism over the years due to ethical issues. Recent upheaval and stronger regulations are supposedly "raising the bar in the industry and weeding out the unscrupulous players."

One of the ways the bar is supposedly being raised is by requiring minimum education to qualify for licensing. Which is where the company I work for comes in. We are approved to provide the education. But riddle me this Batman... how is the bar being raised when our competitors are just as shady and unethical as the scumbags that the education is intended to weed out??

I get a lot of grief because I tend to have a negative attitude - approach my world with the glass half empty. But honestly, a positive attitude is hard to come by when this is the kind of stuff life is made of. However, I will concede to one positive... despite the never ending criticism I get about my work, at least it was good enough for our scumbag competitor to steal and distribute with no changes.

You can't stop wishin' if you don't let go...

2010-02-18T21:35:00.005-05:00

I'm known to be a practical and rather cynical person. But there is an element of daydreamer in me. I think it comes out most when I'm feeling lost or not anchored. Drifting, maybe.

The last 2 months have been difficult. Reason doesn't matter... because honestly there is no real reason. Or at least in my mind there is no real reason. No acts of God, no death or destruction. Its work. Its life. Its all the little things that add up. Its the fact that 2009 worked its way up to a soul crushing crescendo and 2010 has provided no respite.... frankly, I'm just exhausted.

Anyway, my drifty flakiness manifests itself in silly ways... like imaging everyday moments are set to music. You know... the soundtrack of my life. The song that keeps playing over and over right now is Breakdown by Handsome Boys Modelling School (feat. Jack Johnson). Its melancholy but hopeful I guess? I listen to it almost everyday on my ride to and from work. Some days it brings comfort... sort of that feeling where you have worked really hard and you're mentally and physically tired and it feels so good to just sit down... but other days it makes me really sad.

I guess I imagine myself standing all alone while the whole world speeds past me. Feeling a little dizzy, a little sick. Unable to catch my breath. Not exhilerated but fearful and panicky. Unable to hold on. Getting ready to fall.

I've been searching for something for a really long time and maybe 2010 is the year to get down to brass tacks. I'm not quite sure that "it" is but lack of it leaves a ragged hole in me. I'm weary of living without it, whatever it is. Maybe I'm meant to improve something... whether its me... our circumstances... whatever. Or maybe I'm just on the verge of going crazy. Not hearing voices. Yet. So who knows.

♫ I hope this old train breaks down
So I can take a walk around and
See there’s no time you see 'cause
Time is just a melody
But the people in the streets
Walkin’ fast as their feet can take ‘em
I just rode through town
And though this window’s got a view
But the frame I’m lookin’ through
Seems to have no concern for now so for now
I need this here
Old train to breakdown
Oh please just
Let me please breakdown
I need this here
Old train to breakdown
Well this engine screams out loud
Centipede gonna crawl westbound and
I don't even make a sound 'cause
It’s gonna sting me to leave this town
And the people in the streets
That I’ll never get to meet
If these tracks don't bend somehow
And I got no time
that I got to get to where I don’t need to be
Said...
I need this here
Old train to breakdown
Oh please just
Let me please breakdown
I need this here
Old train to breakdown
Let me please break down
You know you can't stop nothin’
If you got no control
Over the thoughts in your mind
That you kept and you know
That you don’t know nothin’
But you don’t need to know’
Cause all the wisdom’s in the trees
Not the glass windows
You can't stop wishin’ if you don’t let go / I need this here
Of the things that you find and you lose and you know / Old train to breakdown
But you keep on rolling put the moment on hold / Oh please just
But the frames too bright with the blinds down low / Let me please breakdown
You know you can't stop nothin’ / I need this here
If you got no control
Over the thoughts in your mind / Old train to breakdown
That you kept and you know
That you don’t know nothin’ / Oh please just
But you don’t need to know’
Cause all the wisdom’s in the trees / Let me please breakdown
Not the glass windows
You can't stop wishin’ if you don’t let go / I need this here
Of the things that you find and you lose and you know / Old train to breakdown
But you keep on rolling put the moment on hold / Oh please just
But the frames too bright with the blinds down low / Let me please breakdown ♫

Dear Blogger and Google...

2010-02-06T15:43:00.002-05:00

This is just a test. You've made me miserable with your decision to longer support FTP/SMTP. I always thought since I owned my own domain I was in the clear for changes like this. I pay people in CA to keep a giant network of servers plugged in so I don't have to deal with anything more technical or complicated than pouring my heart out right here everytime I'm consumed w/ emotion... or angry... or drunk.

I had to fidget with my Domain Names and do something complicated like create a CNAME... you might as well have asked me to re-build a carburetor or make duck confit. My web host sports a giant message in RED on the page where I had to take care of this CNAME nonsense that, in so many words or less, says something to this effect: "Hey retard... if you don't know what you're doing on this page, please back away slowly. A subatomic meltdown will be easier to fix than any mistakes you will make if you change stuff on this page. Scroll further and face sudden peril. Change and click at your own risk. Don't say you weren't warned."

If this works, I'll cut you a break. If it doesn't, I'll just cut you.

Snow Madness

2010-02-06T12:32:00.004-05:00

The snow won't stop. Its relentless. Singleminded. If I could stick to a diet and exercise program with the same nefarious plan as this snowstorm, I would be a size 4. I have such a bittersweet relationship with snow and winter. And it seems like its mostly bitter.

Winter starts out all merry. Falls hustles into the holidays with crisp frosty nights. Warms sweaters come out. There are opportunities to snuggle and blaze up the fireplace. There's cocoa and comfort food. And then... And then there's January and February. Holiday letdown. The 10 lbs I inveriably gain from all the holiday comfort food. And the weather. The bleak, nasty weather. Not to mention Valentine's Day. But that's a whole 'nother thing to rant and moan about.

I can vaguely remember legendary snowstorms when I was about 5... and again when I was about 8. Although the details are hazy. I can see my five year old self cranky and near frostbite with my flimsy red rubber boot stuck in an icy snowdrift. Igloos and tunnels dug through the drifts sound so FUN. Until you actually wear yourself out building and digging. Sledding with my neighbors in their backyard was so much fun (straight for the trees! brilliant!). Or, when you find the neighbor boy's Stretch Armstrong buried in the backyard and his weird goo limbs can now be snapped like twigs. Grody!

Oh! And my mom allowing me to cook a hotdog in the fireplace (not sure if it was for the novelty or was our electricity out?). That was really cool! Hotdogs are generally nasty but dangling one at the end of a coathanger until it is black and charred and eating it with a piece of Wonder Bread wrapped around it? Magical! Just like Little House on the Prairie!

I do clearly remember a bad snowstorm when I was about 12. It was great. We were out of school forever. And I lay on my bed for hours talking on the phone with my friends, reading Tiger Beat and Spin and daydreaming about boys. There might have been some extended cocoa drinking sessions. And if I remember correctly my mother - in her own fit of boredom - helped me cook some ridiculous delicacy like fried cheese. Or maybe it was taffy. Glorious. This is when I realized winter weather could be great if you didn't actually go outside. And school closures resulted in the horrors of Valentine's Day being missed. Its far easier to romanticize the love notes you might have gotten if the weather hadn't been so cruel... fiddle-dee-dee... than to face up to the fact you were only destined for candygrams from your girlfriends.

When I was in college, a random snowstorm cancelled classes and resulted in late night snowball fights and perhaps more than one trip to the bar across the street for some underaged drinking. It was great living downtown where as long as you had some waterproof shoes, you could get to anything and everything you really needed. And frankly? If enough beer and cute boys were involved, waterproof anything was just gravy.

It was an ice/snow combo that trapped me and Mr. Cake in my "Near West End" (read: not close enough to be Carytown but too ghetto to be the west end... and maybe or maybe not actually in Henrico Co.) townhouse the winter we were crushing on each other and led to our eventual relationship. He stopped by and couldn't leave for 3 days (but in retrospect I guess he just didn't want to, hah!). It was great. Until we made the ill advised decision to walk to the 7-11 (I was not one for keeping food on hand) and get nachos.

You'd think common sense might have kicked in and suggested that I refrain from spooning up cheese sauce and chili that had no doubt been sitting for 3 days. But you'd be terribly wrong. The ensuing bout of food poisoning was a miserable end to being snowed in with a cute guy. But it was the beginning of love - I figured I either had the choice to eventually marry this man or have him killed since he'd seen me puking in technicolor and writhing in the throes of sweaty stomach cramps on my bathroom floor. Most likely it was the post-traumatic stress that caused him to just give in and propose a year later.

Our honeymoon took place during the blizzard of '96. An obvious precursor to global warming, the east coast was blanketed with 12 or 13 feet of snow while we were in New Orleans. Louisiana just got freezing rain and record low temps. So much for my warm bayou vacation. We made the most of it and got lucky getting home when RVA allowed 3 planes - one of which was ours - to land after 6 days of blizzard closure. It was all poops and giggles until we got to our apartment. And the nightmare began.

I couldn't find my car (it was white and also buried under a glacier of snow thanks to the plows that had been assaulting it daily in our absence). When I did find it - I don't remember how we dug it out but I'm sure there lots of tears and frenzied clawing - the fear set in... parking was at a premium in our cruddy little section of the Fan on a sunny day. It was IMPOSSIBLE when there were mountains of precip taking up valuable space.

Trips to work (I HAD to go... I had just burned all my vacation time getting married and had dumb priorities like paying the electric bill to worry about) turned into 8 hours of fretting and anxiety terminating in a hour of circling the icy streets looking for a spot to squeeze my car into. People were guarding shoveled parking spots with lawn chairs, construction cones... and yes, because we lived in VA... firearms. Clearly the psychological damage of snow finally took hold in my early adult years.

I guess because I tend to be a glass-half-empty sort of person, when I think of snow it conjures up bad memories. But I can dig up some good ones too. No matter how much I hate winter, there is nothing more majestic than standing with a co-worker in a cold, silent parking lot as fat flakes flutter down around me (4 days ago, walking out of work) or peeking out the window to witness a sea of blinding white in the early dawn hours before snuggling back into bed (this morning). Or waking up one Saturday morning in late November to a suprise 12 inches (a couple of years ago - we ran outside in our pj's and coats and took a great Xmas card picture). I have to admit snow can be awe-inspiring at times.

And now we have our own driveway. Which has to be shoveled. But we also have our own fireplace. Hotdogs anyone?

Tender Intensity... I will muster it

2010-01-29T21:04:00.003-05:00

I'm usually such a nasty skeptic... wanting to believe in magic but generally just complaining and phutzing and harboring negativity. However, when Rob Brezsny issues brilliance such as this... my god, I want to be a believer. In the worst kind of way....

Libra Horoscope for week of January 28, 2010
My theory is that right now the whole world is in ♥ love ♥ with you. In some places, this simmering adoration is bordering on infatuation. Creatures great and small are more apt than usual to recognize what's beautiful and original about you. As a result, wonders and marvels are likely to coalesce in your vicinity. Is there anything you can do to ensure that events unfold in ways that will yield maximum benefits for everyone concerned? Yes: Be yourself with as much tender intensity as you can muster.

Crisis averted.

2010-01-19T20:43:00.003-05:00

Sometimes the universe hands you a golden nugget of wonderfulness. My job entails much writing and research about boring topics such as state and federal credit legislation, mortgage industry licensing and our current economic conditions. Needless to say none of this has ever been particularly fulfilling.

But today I randomly stumbled across the work of Jonathan Jarvis. He's a really great visual designer and he has created a brilliant presentation about the credit crisis.

Learn in 11 minutes what I have spent 2 years dicking around with...

The Crisis of Credit Visualized from Jonathan Jarvis on Vimeo.

Read or Die

2010-01-11T20:05:00.002-05:00

I remember when I was a teenager we used to scrawl "Sk8 or Die" all over the place. um, yeah, I hung out with a bunch of skate punks. duh. I couldn't care less about skaters these days (although Tony Hawk is aging nicely, no?) but I do still care about making counter culture statements so I have co-opted the sentiment for my own geeky needs.

I went through a period of not reading which is very, very unlike me. When I have to fill out those "About Me" things... for instance on certain social networking websites... I always say "I love books like I love air" in the "favorite books" section. Picking a favorite book feels almost sacriligious. But I digress. I have jumped back on the reading horse with a vengenance and I feel much more well rounded. More complete. Less like I want to commit hari kari when the going gets tough. Hence the catchphrase.

Since the holidays I have read a pile and I thought I would share a thought or two:

Wishin' and Hopin': A Christmas Story by Wally Lamb - This one was really cute and lighthearted. Wally Lamb is an incredible writer. Its about a school year in the life of a kid in the 1960's who is related to Annette Funicello

Company by Max Barry - This was a little less great than all the hype about it but overall it was enjoyable. I won't give away the twist but basically its about a recent biz school grad who gets a job at a company and subsequently discovers that no one knows that the company does or sells.

Jennifer Government by Max Barry - Jennifer Gov't was based on an interesting idea and it was pretty well written but I guess a lot of it was predictable, kind of like Company. I think Max Barry has some original concepts but somehow the execution gets boring.

Generation A by Douglas Coupland - I love Douglas Coupland. This wasn't as fabulous as Microserfs but it was pretty darn good. I read some reviews that said the "themes" were too blatant and kind of shoved down the reader's throat but I really didn't mind. The characters were well developed and I thought the blatantness of the themes actually lent a sense of realism. Its about the not-too-distant future where bees have become extinct and 5 people who randomly get stung.

The Average American Male by Chad Kultgen - AAM is some of the most offensive material I have read since Tucker Max. But I couldn't put it down. I would be horrified... but probably less than suprised... is this is really the kind of stuff that goes on in the minds of men. I'm not sure how/why this kind of misogyny and immaturity is so enticing. I guess its like a trainwreck - you don't want to admit it, but you can't look away.

Apathy and Other Small Victories by Paul Neilan - Not earth shattering but a pretty good read. Pretty chuckle worthy throughout. Its about the hijinks of a slacker who you sort of want to hate but also kind of feel sorry for and a sort of murder mystery he gets himself involved in.

Bitter is the New Black by Jen Lancaster - I just started this one and I have to admit I resisted it for a long time. I thought it was chick lit - in the vein of Jennifer Weiner (who is a great writer but I'm just tired of chick lit). But it turns out she is more like a super snarky Laurie Notaro or a much funnier Chelsea Handler.

2009 Scrapbook

2010-01-10T19:14:00.003-05:00

Ok, ok... I know I said I wasn't going to dwell on 2009 (I really wanted to say 'masturbate about 2009' again but I know will make my mother squeal with discomfort.... but now I said it anyway so pipe down mom)... however for posterity's sake, I collected my Facebook statuses from 2009 and have added some commentary. This is really just for me. Not for anyone else. Nostalgia gets the best of me sometimes.

To sum it up, 2009 was full of snark and full of complaints. It is also clear that the year started off with a bang and slowly dwindled to exhaustion. There were a few statuses I didn't include from earlier in the year but its obvious from my lack of interwebs activity that something was up by the end of the summer.

I never really wrote about it and in hindsight its not even worth summarizing. The lesson I learned is that I never want work to take over my life like that again. I like my job and I adore my coworkers but my health and sanity and the health/sanity of my family is far more important than working 25 hours a day, 8 days a week. 'nuff said.

January 2009
was surprised to wake at the crack of noon with only a lil' hangover. Right on, 2009! (hah! little did I know)

is ready to kick Blender in the crotch. Stupid software. feh. (I gave up by the way... it was all part of an ill-conceived and short lived plan to learn digital animation)

New year, same old trip to the emergency room... klutzy kids & ice sk8s don't mix, mom. (the pre-teen years were rife with injury. hopefully as he becomes a teenager he will prove to be sturdier.)

is irascible. (i love a sassy vocab word)

thinks "yer mama" is a great come-back -- especially when you're insulting your own kid. (this is probably proof I am a terrible parent. but ya know what? if its wrong, I don't wanna be right.)

is busy pouring 80 proof down her throat hole. (I think 2009 turned out quit boozey. oh well, no harm done)

just returned from the first trip to NC this week. FIRST?...what?! (went to NC for work. ppl thought I meant I'd never been there before)

To clarify.... not the first trip ever. the first trip THIS WEEK. ;o) (went back 3 days later to visit family/friends)

is packing for this week's Carolina Trip Deux.

is heading off to a 3 day weekend... that probably involves 4 days of driving. hah!

might have a Wii-related injury. (who knew that pretend boxing could really kick one's ass?)

is westward bound very soon. yipeee! (convention in Vegas for work)

"Watch out Vegas! Here I come!!!" (hah! little did I know)

narrowly missed escaping the crappy weather. Too bad for you, East Coast suckahs!!! (home got an epic icestorm while I was in Vegas. mom and Connor were stuck at the house.)

thinks a tripled decker grilled cheese might not have been a good idea. (it wasn't)

February 2009
crashed and burned, Vegas style. (came down with the plague on the flight home from Vegas)

is still sick. no fair.

is getting better. Thank goodness for broad spectrum antibiotics. (Vegas cooties... doctor didn't even know what it was. ewwww.)

loved Coraline, despite Dakota Fanning's annoyingness.

passed the Washington DFI LO exam. I'm more awesomer than you.

Thievery Corp + Nickodemus... woot!!!

March 2009
is hating on the nor'easter.. damn you infernal snow!!!

took no part in the snow, other than driving to work in it.

is counting down the days 'til sxsw. yay!

has the best mom EVER. Really. Your mom can't even compare. Sorry. (she bought me a Kindle)

is on her way to Austin. Woohoo!!!

is tired from her rock-n-roll lifestyle. hah! (sxsw was a blast)

is wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin', plannin' and dreamin'... (had an AWESOME job oppt'y. sadly it was a bust.)

April 2009
"um, WHY do you continue to doubt my brilliance? I'm right every time!" (don't remember what this was about... but really does it matter? the truth is all that matters)

saw a rainbow today. :)

is so disappointed by the ShamWOW guy. Why, Vince? WHY?

is having a pile of beverage. Mondays are the best for getting tore up, no? (this was the beginning of my Summer '09 Odyssey of Alcohol)

would just as soon stab anyone at her web hosting service as look at them - 7 yrs worth of work samples, 4 years of blog entries, email access, & FTP access GONE like it never existed. AND they won't respond to my whining. I hope they rot in hell. (I whined more. they finally restored my crap.)

cough cough oink. j/k! (thought i was being the utmost in funny funny. but my H1N1 H'ween costume was even funnier.)

needs sleep and lots of it. Any insomnia cures that don't require copious amounts of booze on a school nite? (but as I proved time and time again, copious amounts of booze are sometimes the way to go)

May 2009
is now losing sleep over the turkey/Ambien/Nyquil/Benedryl/Bacardi/Planter's/milk cocktail y'all are trying to serve up. shudder.

it is impossible for this day to be any more of a cluster than it has become at this point. (this was increasingly the sentiment of many days in the 2nd half of '09)

is flummoxed by her sudden increase in snack-related injuries.

has learned there are some things that should not be cooked in the crockpot. (some sort of chicken thing my friend gave me the recipe for)

played a no-holds-barred, cut throat game of Bananagrams tonight.

purchased shallow and pointless hair products online this evening. (I won't lie. it was Bump-its.)

has an ouchie sunburn on her ginormous forehead. sweet.

demon pollen! curses! thou hast smited me with your golden hammer!

June 2009
LOVES it when Southwest dangles a dingfare carrot that misses my travel dates by one day. evil bastards.

am I the only one totally grossed out by those ExtenZe commercials?

thinks everyone should be allowed a lil narcissism and the occasional delusion of grandeur.

Humidty! Curses! All my doors are sticking and my hair is bigger than the doorways. :(

Hon Fest was fun... hon. ;o)

is drinking shots on a school nite just to prove a point. thus far.... unproven point 1: Stephanie 0 (Summer '09 Alcohol Odyssey continues...)

dying to sucker punch everyone I know who is on vacation right now. i don't get no stinking vacation this year. pout. whine.

feeling crappy...certain ppl better not have given me swine flu (met friends in DC for nite of fun - 48 hrs later they had a confirmed case of the pig flu. aiieeee!)

July 2009
feeling marginally better - probably just hayfever like I originally suspected. But is it possible to get a mild case of H1N1? Like the Piglet Flu?

anyone care to join my support group? "Sad Chumps Who Are Spending July 3 Between Cubicle Walls" (I was really bitter about this)

Weekend on Solomon's Island wasn't enough to recharge the batteries. Need at least a week or two... or maybe four... I should have four weeks' vacation shouldn't I? YEAH, I should! (Solomon's w/ Mr. Cake was really nice though. I really am a bitcher and moaner, aren't I?)

thought it was Wednesday most of the day.... the discovery that its only Tuesday is a sad epiphany indeed.

August 2009
Is a slamdunk in Teen Jeopardy much of a victory when you're pushing 36?

anxiously awaiting a call about axle replacement... how much can that cost? I mean REALLY? (it really cost THAT much)

An epic treasure hunt? I like the sound of that. (I had read about a treasure hunt hosted by some distillery back in the '70s)

Anyone know how much a weekend @ Shepard Pratt costs? And do they have any mental health programs that include cocktails & foot rubs? No reason... just askin' for a friend. ;o) (my summer really was quite stressful. Little did I know.)

"When plans fail, blaze new trails." Thank you Magic Hat bottlecap.

September 2009
Back from Sactown. It was a lovely wedding! (it really was)

Hello beer. tonight you light up my life. you are the wind beneath my wings. the day to my night. the oh so right to my so, so wrong. please don't change a thing. (someone gave me crap about this post. I replied "but you haven't heard my ode to vodka!")

It was a good day. (one out of 364 ain't bad I s'pose. haha!)

two words: bubblegum vodka. (omg. yes. it really is that good.)

October 2009
is losing her voice. Many now have cause for celebration.

is a french press convert. adios, Mr. Coffee.

(the irony in my Oct posts is that you would never known I had walked through the 10th circle of hell without coming up for air. 2009 in summary sucked for this very reason. But 2009 taught me a lot about myself. And I'm proud of that.)

November 2009
i am a rock. i am an island. (and I was exhausted. I don't even remember November 2009)

December 2009
snow. feh.

Someone pressed >>FFWD on my 2009 mix tape... somewhere around the "June" track.

(That about sums it up.)

New year, new ideals.

2010-01-10T17:59:00.004-05:00

It should be no suprise that 2009 whipped by like Usain Bolt on speed. My final Facebook status for the year said "Someone pressed >>FFWD on my 2009 mix tape... somewhere around the "June" track." But I'm over it. Its a new year. No point in masturbating over the fact that 2009 was what it was.

2010 didn't start out as much. I didn't really even make any resolutions. Although in the last few days I have slowing begun crafting some plans. As always, I have the good intention to simplify my life. To wit, just today I refrained from purchasing the beautiful Michael Kors Sloan boots that are featured for 60% off at 6PM.com. Roll your eyes if you must but this is a huge step for me. I had them in the shopping cart. I took them out. I put them back in. Then I remembered I'm actually broke. Shush. It totally counts as fulfilling my simplification resultion if I didn't actually buy them. Update (1/19/10): Ok, so I have an incredibly weak constitution and I will NEVER learn. The boots went on sale for 75% off. So I bought them. They arrived today and I don't like them afterall. I'm returning them and will be out about $20 in shipping. Bad Stephanie! Bad!

Most importantly I'm committed to writing and creating this year. No excuses. No big dreams. Just down and dirty work. I can do it. I know I can, I just need an attitude adjustment about it. For all of 2009 (and most of 2008 for that matter) I dreamed about the "perfect project" and then whined about being too busy to execute. But, I write and create because I NEED to. Because its my purpose. And I have gotten derailed. To wit, I feel purposelessness. And no one likes that. Especially me.

The dull, barfy, douchey stuff I write for work and the utter void of creativity in my life can't continue to sustain me. Its not fair and I simply won't stand for it. I do have to admit that I get a little spark everytime a certain salesperson tells me the edits I make to his sales letters have resulted in something spectacular. But I will never be a copywriter. My soul won't allow it.

And finally, I will refrain from peppering my musings with things like "to wit...." Starting... now.

Gegenshien

2009-11-04T19:27:00.001-05:00

"A faint glowing spot in the sky, exactly opposite the position of the sun."

What a fantastic word.

My new favorite website...

2009-11-03T21:25:00.002-05:00

Answering the question "Am I Awesome?" with no fluff or useless extras.

I'm tired

2009-09-01T21:15:00.002-04:00

So tired.

Summer went by so fast and I feel absolutely lost.

I need to return to goals and a feeling of purposefulness. I want a day where I have a sense of accomplishment. I want my glass half full again.

Slave Labor

2009-07-16T21:59:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I escaped my cubicle and sat in my car with the radio on to clear my head. I spent 30 minutes watching the men who are re-asphalting the parking lot at my office complex. While I was getting my jollies of watching semi-naked, very tan men, I started to think that their job must really suck.... its back breaking and thankless.

At the end of the day, there must be some gratification in looking at a completed job... but then they have the whole parking lot stretching out ahead of them which is a lot of work and once they are done, they will have to do it all again because the asphalt doesn't last. It occured to me that my job isn't that much different than an asphalt guy. I just do my job in the AC with more clothing on.

Hollywood Body Count is WAAAY Too Deep

2009-07-01T21:39:00.003-04:00

I've been meaning to post for a few days now but I've been suffering from what may or may not be a slight case of swine flu... maybe like piglet flu. I don't know. I don't feel great, but I don't feel like I'm going to die or anything.

Before I'm accused of being dramatic on the swine flu tip... I hung out with some friends this weekend. Two of them came down with a raging case of confirmed flu - their doctor sent the test results to the CDC for review. The other two also became sick but are too lazy to go to the doctor and are feeling somewhat better anyway.

I was sure I was suffering from allergies - hay fever or rose fever (apparently rose fever is the midsummer version of hay fever. oddly enough, just like hay fever is not caused by hay but ragweed, rose fever is not caused by roses but grass pollen. who knew?). But a fever knocked me out Monday night - I actually contemplated climbing in the freezer case for a nap at a grocery store trip that had to be hastily aborted for obvious reasons. I started feeling marginally better Tues and a little better today... then I found out my friends had been sick as well.

So anyway, I was sad when David Carradine died. And I was rendered speechless last Thursday when I found out Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson were dead. (well, Ed McMahon too - I wasn't aware he had died until a few days later... I actually thought I'd heard he'd died a few months ago.) And then Sunday, I was knocked on my ass when I found out about Billy Mays. And now Karl Malden. Ok, Karl Malden was old as shit, but still... could his timing not have been worse?

I have a love/hate relationship with celebrities. My interest ranges from "who cares?" to mild admiration to utter digust. But its totally disturbing when a bunch of pretty high profile people buy the farm in a short period of time. So right now, while my health is a little sketchy, I'd like to implore Hollywood: take care of yourself, m'kay? Avoid air travel, eat your veg, take your vitamins, wear your helmet, lay off the drugs, pick a safe word for your weird sex games, and for goodness sakes don't make any deals with the devil!

Inspiration

2009-06-02T22:08:00.002-04:00

Its been awhile since I've been web surfing for pure pleasure. Tonight I spent some time on the Purl Soho blog - Purl Bee. They have some of the cutest projects there. I'm planning on making the Father's Day tie for Señor Cake... shhhh, don't tell him. He probably won't have occasion to wear it any time soon but during his brother's wedding I realized all his ties are either utterly out-dated or just plain heinous. I think its always good to have a natty tie handmade by your brilliant wife on hand for special events.

While at the Purl Bee I found Mimi Kirschner's work. Her dolls are so wonderful and she has even more neat stuff at her Etsy shop.

I think I may have posted about her before, but I continue to be fascinated by Lori Marsha. I'm pleased to see her Etsy shop is back up.

Just looking at these inspiring links tonight reminds me that I feel way behind in my life. Where does time go? Why does it go by so fast? How can I make more? :)

I Never Know the Ending

2009-05-28T21:07:00.003-04:00

I've been accused of having a very active imagination... a flair for the dramatic. I don't consider that an insult, though. I've always thought it just makes me more interesting. Even if I'm primarily the one who thinks so. hah!

So I've embarked down the path of "writing" dozens of times. From the story I wrote in 2nd grade ("Cheerful Chicken and Crazy Claw") to several unfinished novels to my present occupation. I guess I've pretty much been writing my entire life with varying levels of success.

The formal stuff I write at my job is very deadline driven and almost always leads to a tidy, finished product. Same thing with freelance writing projects. All these things that fill my "writing portfolio" are pretty dull but they are not without a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.

But I've never been able to bring the personal projects to fruition. I've stuggled with the reason for this. The obvious answer is that work and freelance projects lead to money which is an obvious motivator. However, I recently began an online class on fiction writing and I think I've found the answer.

It probably all stems from lack of passion. But ultimately, I never know how the story ends. Its as simple as that. I can come up with some whiz-bang conversation starters and I can get up to my armpits in scene and details but I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I seriously never know what happens in the end.

I wonder if its a flaw in my imagination? Or like a hiccup in my creativity? I don't know if I'll figure it out or not but I have gathered some new clues to a more structured creative process.

I originally started this blog (or rather its predecessor) as a place to post my writing projects, try stuff out, etc. 220+ posts later I guess its been more of a portal for rants, random and infrequent musings and more rants. My plan is to actually start fulfilling my original intent.

Stephanie is often known for whims and lack of follow through. But I have a good feeling about this.

Foolitude

2009-04-01T21:02:00.002-04:00

Today I experienced two April Fool's jokes. One on a professional blog I read regularly... it was funny and trivial and delightful. The other was from my friend who totally punked me with a random text message. It was great because he is completely odd and the thing he told me (something along the lines of "I'm moving to France...") was perfectly believable. He waited most of the day following my response to reveal that it was a joke which was all the better and made me laugh and kick myself for gullibility.

Both of these things remind me of the gleefulness of childhood. The naive cluelessness with which I encountered every day. I lived in my own imagination most of the time. I didn't have any inkling of my own mortality or my own... human-ness. In my mind my teeth really made a "ting!" noise when the sun glinted off my smile. And sinister piano music accompanied me when I snuck down the hall.

I'm not sure when I lost all that benign wonderment. But I think I want it back. For realz.

Some sage advice from a presentation guru

2009-01-12T18:35:00.005-05:00

I have a lot of respect for Garr Reynolds. He's a cool cat regarding communication and he wrote a groovy book on better presentation design using the much maligned PPT and KeyNote. I read his blog, Presentation Zen, religiously because, not only are his presentations inspiring, but he always has links to other great content.

Since the new year he's been posting about jazz and Zen and lessons on creativity regarding jazz and Zen. My interest in jazz is pretty much limited to jazz- and bossanova-inspired electronica but I've always been interested in Zen asthetics.

Today he posted the greatest list: Twenty-one things I've learned from jazz and Zen. My love of lists no doubt contributes to my bias but so many things in this list speak to me. You can read Garr's list yourself but a couple that mean a lot to me include:

(#4) Good intentions are key. Sincerity is king, and yet...
There is nothing more repellant to me than people who don't have good intentions. Certainly the road to hell is paved with them but I firmly believe you can excuse many wrongs when someone has good intentions.

(#5) It's not about you.
Humans are inherently selfish. I accept this of myself without pause. But recognizing that the world doesn't revolve around me as an individual is something that I've worked on for a very long time. As an only child I've weathered the insult of "spoiled brat" more times than I care to remember. So I guess I always try extra hard not to be so self centered that I fail to recognize that my importance is no greater than anyone else's.

(#20) Always be learning. Always be learning. Always be learning.
Naturally, my chosen vocation is in education and professional development. But the bigger picture in this is that no matter how old or how smart you are, you can always learn something. It is a humbling experience to recognize that other people have knowledge and experiences which we can benefits from. And I also think the day there is nothing left to learn is the day there is no point in living anymore.

(#21) Curiosity is your greatest gift, nurture it (in yourself and in others)
Curious people are interesting people. Curious people get smarter - book smart and street smart - and curiosity gives you a reason to keep learning... its an important feature of #20.

2008 Fastforward

2008-12-31T19:03:00.002-05:00

Less than five hours left in 2008. Its amazing to me how fast the year has gone by. I have a number of theories about my perception of time but none of them help the weeks go by any slower so I guess its better to just live with it.

While I generally live life with a healthy dose of cynicism and a glass-half-empty mentality, I can't complain much about 2008. There were a few moments of sadness, which I have already blogged about and won't spend time on today. Good things did happen in 2008, not the least of which was reconnecting with lots of old friends.

I'm looking forward to a prosperous 2009. Happy, healthy and all that jazz. Tonight I'm thinking of my family and friends and remaining thankful for all that I have and all that I have accomplished so far.

My Free Will horoscope for the first week of '09 is interesting:
"God calls you to the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet," wrote Frederick Buechner. You're free to ignore that call, of course. You can pretend that you don't really know what brings you deep gladness, and you can act as if the world's deep hunger is of no concern to you. But if you hope to be proud of the life you have lived when, many years from now, you shed your mortal coil, I advise you to at least experiment with using Buechner's formula as a working hypothesis. The coming year will be an excellent time to do just that.

Interesting, huh? In an hour I'm heading off to my neighbor's cocktail party. Mucho merriment.

Happy New Year to all!

The shoe falls

2008-11-30T21:52:00.003-05:00

After a few weeks of wackiness and high-falootin' mania, the downward spiral has arrived. It happens every year at this time. I read back through all my November posts for the past 4 years and its like clockwork.

I left F'burg this morning feeling numb. Sorry for myself. Just plain sorry. I knew the mood was settling when I ran into someone I knew from high school at Sheetz when I stopped to get gas last night and couldn't even manage a civil conversation. I prophesized that it was coming and with a heavy sigh, I acknowledge that it is officially here. Its a shame because I had a nice weekend with my mother and it shouldn't end this way.

So here you go, operating instructions for Stephanie Cake's Crappy Holiday Season. Read on and then leave me alone until Christmas:

The spiral includes depression, social anxiety and self pity. I will feel like a lot of people are out to get me. And the rest have forsaken me. My sense of humor will be seriously compromised . The response from everyone around me will range from pity to annoyance and either way it will irritate the piss out of me.

I don't know why I feel this way. Its not your fault. It's no one's fault. Its just me. Its chemical and behavioral. Asking me about it makes me angry. This will pass. It always does. If you've known me for any respectable length of time, you know I'm moody as hell. Several times a year I become unbearable. I can't even stand myself. Your cheerful requests for me to smile are not going to help

I will cry at inappropriate times for no good reason at all. I will feel the need to apologize for every horrible injustice I have ever committed. Yet at the same time I will feel an overwhelming sense of entitlement from everyone I know. I will be intense but not interested in very much.

I will drive places and not remember how I got there. I will walk into rooms and forget why I came. Everything around me will be less impressive... although occasionally something will catch my eye and I will remember the world is vibrant and its speeding along without me and that will cause me to break down.

I should be medicated but I can't do that anymore. Trust me. It is best for me to just wallow in my pitiful, miserable mood and hopefully roll out the end sooner than later. I will write about my feelings and if you've learned anything from the past you will move along. Commentary about my dark moods is generally not helpful. Writing helps me unload and is not intended to entertain you.

I will create a schedule and stick to it. Its not possible to function robotically and perfunctorily without one. My manic, self indulgent impatience is gone for now. So I won't have very high expectations from you but I will need to keep marching on my own and I ask that you respect that.

There is one month left in 2008. Its been a difficult year but overall not bad for me personally. I fully intend to greet the new year with a smile. I'll be like Frodo after he tossed the ring into the depths of Mordor. Utterly spent, but at last unburdened.

Giving Thanx

2008-11-27T20:02:00.002-05:00

Today is Thanksgiving. The holidays are rough for me, for a variety of reasons, but I always try to count my blessings on Turkey Day.

In no particular order, I am thankful for:

My mom and my grandmother: They made me who I am today.

Rob: He loves me unconditionally, even though I don't deserve it sometimes.

Connor: The day he was born was the best day of my life.

My friends: I b!tch about them sometimes but I really do have kick-a$$ cool friends. They make me laugh, they keep me sane and they make sure I know I matter at all costs.

My job: 9-5 blows but if I have to leave the house to stack some cheese, I couldn't ask for a better bunch of co-workers.

All the little things: There is a lot I know I take for granted but I'm working on appreciating more, paying attention and living a grateful and graceful life.

A short vignette from a household near you...

2008-11-22T13:54:00.002-05:00

Its a cold night and they are snuggling by the fire. He rubs her back as she is nearly asleep.

Him (mid-rub): oh, I bought some thick cut bacon today.
Her: ...
Him: Did you hear me? Bacon? Thick cut?
Her: yeah... so what made you think of THAT? My back fat??
Him: What? No! Are you crazy?
Her: ...
Her: ...
Her: ...
Him: I want my baby back... baby back... baby back... I want my baby back... baby back... baby back...
Her: ...
Her: Sleep with one eye open tonight my friend.

The Pros and Cons

2008-11-18T22:40:00.004-05:00

Feeling a little down today... I guess because its been cold and dreary. And, honestly, a few things haven't been going my way, so I have a general sense of malaise and poutiness. I'm mature enough to admit that I can be quite immature at times.

I've made a few posts about my attitude adjustment but haven't forgotten that I need to post my Pro's and Con's. I like to make lists... I'm very linear that way. It helps me make sense of my world and sort things out. By no means is this list comprehensive but at least its a glimpse into how I judge myself. A compendium and companion to, but not to be confused with, 100 Random Things About Stephanie Cake or 7 Random Things. (click the list for super-sized reading pleasure)

Better Things

2008-11-16T17:07:00.003-05:00

I have two old friends who are going through some rough times right now. Not that it compares, but I've been a little melancholy myself this weekend. So for inspiration, in the immortal words of Ray Davies....

Here’s wishing you the bluest sky,
And hoping something better comes tomorrow.
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the doubt and sadness.
I know that better things are on the way.

Here’s hoping all the days ahead
Wont be as bitter as the ones behind you.
Be an optimist instead,
And somehow happiness will find you.
Forget what happened yesterday,
I know that better things are on the way.

Its really good to see you rocking out
And having fun,
Living like you just begun.
Accept your life and what it brings.
I hope tomorrow you’ll find better things.
I know tomorrow you’ll find better things.

Here’s wishing you the bluest sky,
And hoping something better comes tomorrow.
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the drudge and sadness.
I know that better things are on the way.

I know you’ve got a lot of good things happening up ahead.
The past is gone its all been said.
So here’s to what the future brings,
I know tomorrow you’ll find better things.
I know tomorrow you’ll find better things.