Stephanie Cake

My dentist....

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Sat, 29 Jan 2011 20:47:00 +0000

... broke up with me last week. It's a sad day when someone you've had an 11 yr relationship with pulls out the old "it's not you, it's us."

In truth, my insurance is the issue. HMOs make the world go 'round... and teeth rot out apparently.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Sentimental Heart

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 16:22:00 +0000

Cried all night till there was nothin' more
What use am I as a heap on the floor?
Heaving devotion but it's just no good
Takin' it hard just like you knew i would

Old habits die hard
When you got, when you got a sentimental heart?
Piece of the puzzle
And you're my missing part
Oh, what can you do with a sentimental heart?
Oh, what can you do with a sentimental heart?
~ Zooey Deschanel/She & Him, Volume One

Time to get the show on the road. 2011 is racing ahead without a second thought. February starts my new goal - the "real" book. I haven't talked much about the NaNoWriMo book to anyone... well, no one has really asked... beyond "when can I read it?" (my response: "never") But it was more a learning experience for myself than anything. Proving to no one but me that I could do it. So it doesn't matter if anyone else cares.

I learned that I just need clearly defined incremental goals and a refusal to compromise on the time I devote to the ultimate goal. My voice is the part I still struggle with but I'll work it out.

I liked being about to enter my stats online since that was a huge motivator but I think building an Excel spreadsheet with some fancy schmancy macros should take care of that. In fairness to myself and the people in my life, I'm stretching the goal out over February and March. Not quite 60 days. A commitment to the editing process will have to wait until I see where I'm going.

Now I just need to give my sentimental heart a kick in the hindparts and get a move on.

I Can Feel My Lifetime...

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 18:26:00 +0000

...piling up.
I can see the day turn into night.
11th day of 2011 and no goals, dreams or resolutions in sight.
What should I do? Join a gym? Join a cult?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

The End

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 03:36:00 +0000

The best two words in the English language when you have been on a 30 day (well, technically 29 day) ride through 50,000 words of writing.

I did it. With 26 hours to spare. There was writer's block. There were a lot of cookies eaten. There was teeth gnashing and self esteem stomping. But in the end it was all worth while. I don't want to do it again tomorrow but I'll certainly do it again next year. I learned a lot about myself in the past month.

At the moment I am too tired and sick (literally - the final batch of words was written at Patient First waiting for a chest x-ray) to say much else. Other than I'm proud of me. I did something I've failed at three other times. And that I wasn't all that sure about this time around. Its good to be proud of yourself.

THE END.

50,000 words. 30 days.

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 01:18:00 +0000

Day 1 - Whorlwind! I was sick over the weekend so I decided to blow off tap. Over 2,200 words in less than two hours.

I know I can be a writing machine. My job has instilled that in me. It would be great to think that I can blow through that every day but I know its going to get harder. However, I also know I can do it. :-) No doubt at all.

Like sands through the hourglass...

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Sun, 17 Oct 2010 23:02:00 +0000

... so are the days of our lives.

I really have been productive since July. Unfortuantely, blog posting fell off the radar somewhat. What have I been up to you ask?

Consulting... the obligations never seem to end, even when they aren't the product of huge money making. But I've stacked some cheese since early in the summer so I won't complain.

Family stuff... August vacation at the beach, day of museums in D.C. (the Hirshorn rocks, yo!), Maryland Rennaisance Festival, corn maze, September/October b-days of the coolest people you know (me and Connor Cake, duh!)

Piano and tap... yes, I decided to go back to 3rd grade and take lessons. Sadly (and much to the dismay of all my friends and acquaintenaces who delight in mocking me) there are no recitals for these classes. Maybe I'll stage my own little talent show!

Work stuff... well, besides actually working. Company picnic, assorted happy hours, bowling, Chelsea Handler tix my boss scored.

The net outcome of all this activity is that I'm tired as crap and too busy to be mad or sad. Which is ultimately a huge score. I've been kicking around some personal improvement stuff in my head late at night. I'm forming some goals and have some for sure plans over the next two months. The rest will have to wait until all of the above is squared away.

Next stop? NaNoWriMo. Tried it multiple times; always failed. Doing it for sure this year. No excuses. 50,000 words. 30 days. I'm ready. It will be a marathon, most likely with some serious sprinting at the end but I refuse to drop the ball this time. Baltimore Marathon be damned, I may not be an actual runner but I sure as heck can write. I will finish. I WILL DO IT.

My plan is to blog/Twitter my progress. But the actual writing takes priority of course. At the very least I plan to keep a mood meter. Most likely ranging from "excited/gung-ho" to "sleep deprived/frantic" to "drunk/despondent." In conjunction with writing a novel in 30 days, I will also be working on my caffiene addiction, exploring my love of candy treats and unnecessary carb-loading and getting up close and personal with Roget's Thesaurus and the Urban Dictionary.

Secondary to all this exciting activity will be an exploration of anything that can provide inspiration. Dive bars, infomercials, conversations with my cat, the skeezy weirdos at the convenience store and my own debilitating insanity all take on new and exciting meaning.

Exactly two weeks before the race begins. Wish me luck!

Momentum

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 17:11:00 +0000

I'm embarrassed to say that its taken me 36 1/2 years to find any reliable source of motivation in myself. Sure, anyone can get psyched about something that seems fun or interesting or something that seems profitable in some way. And I'm no exception. But as a person who overthinks everything, who crumbles in the face of negative feedback and who harbors intense fear and anxiety about ridiculous things, I am my own worst enemy when it comes to making progress.

I've spent my whole life having great ideas but am abysmal at execution. I've been presented with many interesting opportunities but have walked away from more I care to admit out of fear and uncertainty. Oh, and I'm great at making a million and one excuses why something won't work, can't work, shouldn't work, etc.

I like to be right and when it seems like I will fail in that goal I tend to be a brat and walk away rather than face shame or humiliation. That overthinking thing compounds issues since it generally results in paranoia and the manufacturing of imaginary reasons to support my miserable theories.

Recently an acquaintance metaphorically rained on my pity party. Its not the first time he's done it but this time it felt like a wake up call. He's the type of person who is somehow able to inspire, exasperate and infuriate me all at the same time. Probably because he's my exact opposite in a lot of annoying ways and sort of just like me in many other annoying ways.

What his message boiled down to was basically "just do it." I think the exact words might have been "just do it, yo!" HAHA! Thanks Nike, I got it 25 years too late, I guess. Basically it boils down to a combination of brute force and no fear. I think I've been unconsciously working on this for a really long time but I woke up recently and thought to myself, "Self," I said, "You're not getting any younger. You've gotta stop being afraid and stop being a control freak and just DO IT. JUST F-CKING DO IT, ALREADY. STOP BEING A QUITTER. AND STOP MAKING EXCUSES." (yes, I really do talk to myself that way... its a shame I rarely listen.)

Forget comfort zones. Of all the times I've taken a chance, only a minority of those times have resulted in utter catastrophe... and none of them have been life or death, or else I wouldn't be here having this conversation. Many of those chances have been memorable experiences and some of them have even been great successes.

Forget fear and paranoia. All my life people have asked me, "what's the worst that could happen?" And most of my life I've manufactured the most insane possibilities... some of which can and have happened but most of which can't and won't. And even when they do, I have yet to face any real, earth shattering peril.

Forget control. Life is chaotic. Its impossible to control everything; and there's no use getting upset when things don't go a certain way. Trying too hard usually results in things going exactly the opposite anyway.

I like to think of things in a scientific and logical way. Which is all well and good... until you introduce emotions in the wrong way, at the wrong time. I've been a victim of my very own special wrong way/wrong time lately. It leads to frustration and annoys the crap out of other people. That certainly isn't doing me any favors.

So long story short... no fear. brute force. JUST F-CKING DO IT, YO!

Where am I? WHO am I?

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 00:29:00 +0000

You ever have a thoroughly disconcerting experience? One that throws you for a loop? You walk through the eye of a hurricane with a blank-faced stare and you come out the other end still not sure what hit you? Not sure whether you're supposed to cry tears of joy or tears of pain... or... wait why am I crying at all?

I've had that kind of week. I feel blindsided. And I have to keep asking myself why I feel that way. I think its because I haven't felt properly in control of my decisions or destiny in a long time.

Yesterday was the first day of the rest of 2010. And I think today marked the big reveal - the thing that I'm still in the dark about but that is going to write the denoument of my story for the rest of the year.

Confused about this post? Yeah. Me too.

You know how I know its summer?

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 01:25:00 +0000

Well, there are the obvious things... like its June. It was 95 in the shade the other day. It was Memorial Day last weekend. There is a T-storm warning almost every night. And public school is ending in two weeks. Yes, the obvious meteorological and calendar-based things.

There are the insidious things too. Too many people complaining about poison ivy. Needing the A/C on upstairs every night. Mosquito bites. ARGH. And the ANTS. Oh good grief the ants take over my kitchen every summer. They actually take over my neighbor's kitchen every spring. She battles them for a few months, then they give up the good fight and head my way. I can only hope to get rid of them by August.

But then there are the good things too. The things that make me smile. Like when my CEO comes to work in one of his seersucker suits and bow ties (the taunts of "well hellooo there Colonel Sanders!" not withstanding, he really is the kind of guy who can pull it off... not to mention he has a great sense of humor). The smell of honeysuckle in the air when I drive home through the valley. Every kid, including my own, running around with popscicle stains down the front of their shirt. Watermelons and peaches for sale, ridiculous cheap. The smell of mowed grass and chlorine and charcoal grills any night of the week.

Life calls for a little more relaxation. For Memorial Day, I bought myself a nice powder coated chaise lounge to match the rest of our wrought iron patio furniture. I dragged it under the old rusty clothesline at the side of the yard and I bungee-ed the garden hose to the post. Set the sprayer to "mist," and locked the handle. Cracked a beer and I was in white trash heaven until a storm rolled in. Don't judge me.

This summer is going to fly by, I know it already. I have a couple of consulting projects and a brutal schedule at my day job that hasn't let up in over a year. But I'm committing to myself that there are a few things I want to accomplish before the year is over and I need to get in the zone over the summer months. At the risk of saying I have wasted almost half the year... I have to be honest. I've wasted almost half the year.

So here's to a prolific summer. I owe it to myself and no one else.

Boundless Joy

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Wed, 19 May 2010 01:45:00 +0000

Every now and then I see something that makes me sit up and take notice. This weekend we were back in Richmond celebrating Senor Cake's 40th and to also celebrate our nephew's 3rd b-day (their b-days are 2 days apart... isn't it interesting how that happens in families?). I was exhausted having stayed up late the night before and driven a million miles early in the morning to get to the little guy's party. I struggled through the family small-talk and the nods and smiles at the little kids.

And then at the end of the party, it was getting toasty so my bro/sis-in-law pulled out the sprinkler. Connor Cake of course loves anything water related. But it was one of my nephew's little guests who officially made me smile and wake up a little.

The little boy had seemed kind of shy and wary at the beginning of the party. He slowly warmed up but stayed close to his parents, spending most of his time on the playset. Until the sprinkler came out. And then all bets were off. He ran through the water over and over in the dictionary definition of reckless abandon.

Innocent boundless joy like that absolutely delights me. I also have to admit that it leaves me a little sad that I have a hard time remembering any specific moments where I have felt the same way. Its something to think about. Finding more opportunities to experience joy. Note to self: put it on your To-Do List. HAH!

Spring Fever... or Maybe Madness?!

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 16:20:00 +0000

A few months ago time was flying by and I was in a whirlwind. Now its moving so fast I'm not even sure where I am sometimes. Strangely enough, even though the early part of 2010 was kind of sucky, this part hasn't been so bad. Crazy ups and downs but mostly walking around with a positive outlook. Closing in on April makes me anxious but I'm feeling motivated. Feeling like I can manage. The top of the hill is in sight. Not there yet but feel my second wind coming. Know I'm going to make it.

I've started running again - 2 or so miles every day for the past 4 days. I haven't been running since late summer 2007 - fell off the wagon big time when I went back to the corporate world. My weight has fluctuated over the past few years, I've been under enormous stress for the past year and my lifestyle hasn't been the healthiest.

Wasn't a ground breaking epiphany or anything but I've settled into a commitment to slow down, pay attention to what I need and reset some priorities. 37 is fast approaching and I need it to happen on a positive note.

Running hurts and I don't enjoy it. I'm slow and plod along. But I suprised myself by falling back into the routine and maybe even doing better than I remember from my last adventure in running. I don't think running is ever going to be my thing but it feels like my saving grace this week.

I've mentally checked out of work for the last few days. And frankly it feels good. I've taken vacation to help Mom following her knee surgery. A topic for another post... but she's doing great. However, suffice it to say I think I was more scared and worried for her than I let myself admit. So, all in all, it feels like a few tons of weight have been lifted.

Girl power... and RAGE

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 03:15:00 +0000

I will preface this by saying I have been to happy hour with the girls. Coherency is not necessarily at the forefront right now but passion is... I write when passion overtakes me. So here goes. Forgive my lack of editorial prowess. Not to mention the profanity.

I have a friend... we're not close. She's actually the friend of a friend but I care about her. She's a nice person and... well... GIRL POWER, you know? Anyway. She's in an abusive relationship. I can't even fathom this. If Mr. Cake ever hit me, I would f-ck his sh*t up. Like, BAD. Without a second thought. But he would never do that. And after an evening with my friend, I want to hug and kiss him until he squeals. Because he's a good guy. He loves me and respects me and would NEVER intentionally hurt me.

I don't understand this relationship my friend is in. She says, "I'm going to get hit tonight. I got my hair cut and I smell like beer." WHAT???? WHAT THE F-CK????????? I want to punch and scream and throw a tantrum when I hear that. How can she live with that? HOW??? WHY?!?!?!?

Mr. Cake may not always like my choices or my actions. And he may get a little passive agressive by leaving dirty dishes for me or piling my stray shoes on my side of the bed to make a point... but dear god, the man would never intentionally HURT me.

The only person I love more than Mr. Cake is Connor Cake. And I love myself only a millimeter less than I love Mr. Cake. In drunken, Thirsty Thursday, Happy Hour measurements, I love Mr. Cake, Connor Cake and myself incrementally about the same. For this reason I don't put up with sh*t as it pertains to abuse of any one of those three people. Meaning Mr. Cake, Connor Cake and myself.

If anyone or anything threatens those three people... meaning Mr. Cake, Connor Cake, or myself... I will not stop until that person or thing is annihilated or otherwise contained in such a way that it is no longer a threat. I will get shrill and I will flail around and throw punches. I will contemplate vehicular homocide. I will look around for heavy blunt objects. And to only a slightly lesser degree I feel this way about my friends and family. You know - the people I love and respect.

I want to kick and punch the bad guys. Until its a straight up crime scene. I would lay down a blood bath of insanity if the people I love are threatened. I guess I'm a very LUCKY person that I've never had to officially take this action. I've gotten mouthy. I've gotten bitchy. I've never had to actually shoot anyone. But I swear to f-cking god I would if I had to. No questions asked. Life in prison is no contest against saving someone I love from being hurt.

My friend S.B. (who I know the abused friend through) said, "This is what I go through all the time with her. Don't you see? Until she wants to get away from him, there's nothing we can do!" And sadly, I realize THERE ISN'T. So the victim becomes the villian. I want to shake her. I want her to SEE. I want her to see how beautiful she is and how she doesn't deserve this awful treatment. How there are men out there - who are worthy of respect - who will respect her in return.

I could never love... or respect... or even tolerate... a man who would be abusive towards a woman. Its disgusting. Its one of the most disgusting and repulsive things I can think of. It makes me physically sick and furious at the same time. And I've had such a bad week at work that I want to get my hands on this man and hurt him. Hurt him in worse ways than he hurts my friend. But what does that say about ME? Does that make me no better than him?

I disdain traditional feminism because I kind of feel like feminists need to lighten up... but moments like this make me a true believer. Women are traditionally taken advantage of and are easily made powerless. We are made to feel worthless. Men capitalize on our emotions. Men easily have the upper hand 90% of the time. So much of our world is patriarchal and women are marginalized. Yet without women there would be no world. If we stopped reproducing it would all end. Finis. Finito. Adios motherf-ckers.

Every man has a woman to thank for his existance. But how many men really truly appreciate the fact that without a vagina they would not exist? Its not a particularly manly thing to appreciate, is it?

This horrible abusive man... I have a little "Back to the Future" fantasy... I wish I could have shut the productivity of his mother's womb down in time to save the world from him. He has no worth. There is nothing he could do to make me appreciate his existance. What purpose does he serve if he spends one second abusing a woman? none. NONE WHATSOEVER.

Its horrifying. This terrible, abusive man is HORRIFYING. And my rage toward him horrifies me. The fact that I could imagine myself kicking and biting and scratching and punching and committing countless forms of violence against this man horrifies me to no end. God help me when I sober up. It'll probably be even more horrifying then. But it sure as sh*t won't be any less true.

Weary

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 01:08:00 +0000

This morning I came to work to find an email from a co-worker... Subject line was "Things that make you go hmmmm..." General gist of the message was "thought you might want to take a look at this."

The PDF attachment was training content. It featured the logo of one of our major competitors and other identifying information. Except... the content was material that I wrote. Those mother f-ckers got our intellectual property - stuff I have slaved over and been abused about and taken flack for over the past 2 years - and repackaged it WORD FOR WORD.

Its no suprise. The world is a cold, hateful place and stuff like this happens. But its disappointing to say the least. Not to mention that the industry I work in has faced a lot of criticism over the years due to ethical issues. Recent upheaval and stronger regulations are supposedly "raising the bar in the industry and weeding out the unscrupulous players."

One of the ways the bar is supposedly being raised is by requiring minimum education to qualify for licensing. Which is where the company I work for comes in. We are approved to provide the education. But riddle me this Batman... how is the bar being raised when our competitors are just as shady and unethical as the scumbags that the education is intended to weed out??

I get a lot of grief because I tend to have a negative attitude - approach my world with the glass half empty. But honestly, a positive attitude is hard to come by when this is the kind of stuff life is made of. However, I will concede to one positive... despite the never ending criticism I get about my work, at least it was good enough for our scumbag competitor to steal and distribute with no changes.

You can't stop wishin' if you don't let go...

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 02:35:00 +0000

I'm known to be a practical and rather cynical person. But there is an element of daydreamer in me. I think it comes out most when I'm feeling lost or not anchored. Drifting, maybe.

The last 2 months have been difficult. Reason doesn't matter... because honestly there is no real reason. Or at least in my mind there is no real reason. No acts of God, no death or destruction. Its work. Its life. Its all the little things that add up. Its the fact that 2009 worked its way up to a soul crushing crescendo and 2010 has provided no respite.... frankly, I'm just exhausted.

Anyway, my drifty flakiness manifests itself in silly ways... like imaging everyday moments are set to music. You know... the soundtrack of my life. The song that keeps playing over and over right now is Breakdown by Handsome Boys Modelling School (feat. Jack Johnson). Its melancholy but hopeful I guess? I listen to it almost everyday on my ride to and from work. Some days it brings comfort... sort of that feeling where you have worked really hard and you're mentally and physically tired and it feels so good to just sit down... but other days it makes me really sad.

I guess I imagine myself standing all alone while the whole world speeds past me. Feeling a little dizzy, a little sick. Unable to catch my breath. Not exhilerated but fearful and panicky. Unable to hold on. Getting ready to fall.

I've been searching for something for a really long time and maybe 2010 is the year to get down to brass tacks. I'm not quite sure that "it" is but lack of it leaves a ragged hole in me. I'm weary of living without it, whatever it is. Maybe I'm meant to improve something... whether its me... our circumstances... whatever. Or maybe I'm just on the verge of going crazy. Not hearing voices. Yet. So who knows.

♫ I hope this old train breaks down
So I can take a walk around and
See there’s no time you see 'cause
Time is just a melody
But the people in the streets
Walkin’ fast as their feet can take ‘em
I just rode through town
And though this window’s got a view
But the frame I’m lookin’ through
Seems to have no concern for now so for now
I need this here
Old train to breakdown
Oh please just
Let me please breakdown
I need this here
Old train to breakdown
Well this engine screams out loud
Centipede gonna crawl westbound and
I don't even make a sound 'cause
It’s gonna sting me to leave this town
And the people in the streets
That I’ll never get to meet
If these tracks don't bend somehow
And I got no time
that I got to get to where I don’t need to be
Said...
I need this here
Old train to breakdown
Oh please just
Let me please breakdown
I need this here
Old train to breakdown
Let me please break down
You know you can't stop nothin’
If you got no control
Over the thoughts in your mind
That you kept and you know
That you don’t know nothin’
But you don’t need to know’
Cause all the wisdom’s in the trees
Not the glass windows
You can't stop wishin’ if you don’t let go / I need this here
Of the things that you find and you lose and you know / Old train to breakdown
But you keep on rolling put the moment on hold / Oh please just
But the frames too bright with the blinds down low / Let me please breakdown
You know you can't stop nothin’ / I need this here
If you got no control
Over the thoughts in your mind / Old train to breakdown
That you kept and you know
That you don’t know nothin’ / Oh please just
But you don’t need to know’
Cause all the wisdom’s in the trees / Let me please breakdown
Not the glass windows
You can't stop wishin’ if you don’t let go / I need this here
Of the things that you find and you lose and you know / Old train to breakdown
But you keep on rolling put the moment on hold / Oh please just
But the frames too bright with the blinds down low / Let me please breakdown ♫

Dear Blogger and Google...

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 20:43:00 +0000

This is just a test. You've made me miserable with your decision to longer support FTP/SMTP. I always thought since I owned my own domain I was in the clear for changes like this. I pay people in CA to keep a giant network of servers plugged in so I don't have to deal with anything more technical or complicated than pouring my heart out right here everytime I'm consumed w/ emotion... or angry... or drunk.

I had to fidget with my Domain Names and do something complicated like create a CNAME... you might as well have asked me to re-build a carburetor or make duck confit. My web host sports a giant message in RED on the page where I had to take care of this CNAME nonsense that, in so many words or less, says something to this effect: "Hey retard... if you don't know what you're doing on this page, please back away slowly. A subatomic meltdown will be easier to fix than any mistakes you will make if you change stuff on this page. Scroll further and face sudden peril. Change and click at your own risk. Don't say you weren't warned."

If this works, I'll cut you a break. If it doesn't, I'll just cut you.

Snow Madness

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 17:32:00 +0000

The snow won't stop. Its relentless. Singleminded. If I could stick to a diet and exercise program with the same nefarious plan as this snowstorm, I would be a size 4. I have such a bittersweet relationship with snow and winter. And it seems like its mostly bitter.

Winter starts out all merry. Falls hustles into the holidays with crisp frosty nights. Warms sweaters come out. There are opportunities to snuggle and blaze up the fireplace. There's cocoa and comfort food. And then... And then there's January and February. Holiday letdown. The 10 lbs I inveriably gain from all the holiday comfort food. And the weather. The bleak, nasty weather. Not to mention Valentine's Day. But that's a whole 'nother thing to rant and moan about.

I can vaguely remember legendary snowstorms when I was about 5... and again when I was about 8. Although the details are hazy. I can see my five year old self cranky and near frostbite with my flimsy red rubber boot stuck in an icy snowdrift. Igloos and tunnels dug through the drifts sound so FUN. Until you actually wear yourself out building and digging. Sledding with my neighbors in their backyard was so much fun (straight for the trees! brilliant!). Or, when you find the neighbor boy's Stretch Armstrong buried in the backyard and his weird goo limbs can now be snapped like twigs. Grody!

Oh! And my mom allowing me to cook a hotdog in the fireplace (not sure if it was for the novelty or was our electricity out?). That was really cool! Hotdogs are generally nasty but dangling one at the end of a coathanger until it is black and charred and eating it with a piece of Wonder Bread wrapped around it? Magical! Just like Little House on the Prairie!

I do clearly remember a bad snowstorm when I was about 12. It was great. We were out of school forever. And I lay on my bed for hours talking on the phone with my friends, reading Tiger Beat and Spin and daydreaming about boys. There might have been some extended cocoa drinking sessions. And if I remember correctly my mother - in her own fit of boredom - helped me cook some ridiculous delicacy like fried cheese. Or maybe it was taffy. Glorious. This is when I realized winter weather could be great if you didn't actually go outside. And school closures resulted in the horrors of Valentine's Day being missed. Its far easier to romanticize the love notes you might have gotten if the weather hadn't been so cruel... fiddle-dee-dee... than to face up to the fact you were only destined for candygrams from your girlfriends.

When I was in college, a random snowstorm cancelled classes and resulted in late night snowball fights and perhaps more than one trip to the bar across the street for some underaged drinking. It was great living downtown where as long as you had some waterproof shoes, you could get to anything and everything you really needed. And frankly? If enough beer and cute boys were involved, waterproof anything was just gravy.

It was an ice/snow combo that trapped me and Mr. Cake in my "Near West End" (read: not close enough to be Carytown but too ghetto to be the west end... and maybe or maybe not actually in Henrico Co.) townhouse the winter we were crushing on each other and led to our eventual relationship. He stopped by and couldn't leave for 3 days (but in retrospect I guess he just didn't want to, hah!). It was great. Until we made the ill advised decision to walk to the 7-11 (I was not one for keeping food on hand) and get nachos.

You'd think common sense might have kicked in and suggested that I refrain from spooning up cheese sauce and chili that had no doubt been sitting for 3 days. But you'd be terribly wrong. The ensuing bout of food poisoning was a miserable end to being snowed in with a cute guy. But it was the beginning of love - I figured I either had the choice to eventually marry this man or have him killed since he'd seen me puking in technicolor and writhing in the throes of sweaty stomach cramps on my bathroom floor. Most likely it was the post-traumatic stress that caused him to just give in and propose a year later.

Our honeymoon took place during the blizzard of '96. An obvious precursor to global warming, the east coast was blanketed with 12 or 13 feet of snow while we were in New Orleans. Louisiana just got freezing rain and record low temps. So much for my warm bayou vacation. We made the most of it and got lucky getting home when RVA allowed 3 planes - one of which was ours - to land after 6 days of blizzard closure. It was all poops and giggles until we got to our apartment. And the nightmare began.

I couldn't find my car (it was white and also buried under a glacier of snow thanks to the plows that had been assaulting it daily in our absence). When I did find it - I don't remember how we dug it out but I'm sure there lots of tears and frenzied clawing - the fear set in... parking was at a premium in our cruddy little section of the Fan on a sunny day. It was IMPOSSIBLE when there were mountains of precip taking up valuable space.

Trips to work (I HAD to go... I had just burned all my vacation time getting married and had dumb priorities like paying the electric bill to worry about) turned into 8 hours of fretting and anxiety terminating in a hour of circling the icy streets looking for a spot to squeeze my car into. People were guarding shoveled parking spots with lawn chairs, construction cones... and yes, because we lived in VA... firearms. Clearly the psychological damage of snow finally took hold in my early adult years.

I guess because I tend to be a glass-half-empty sort of person, when I think of snow it conjures up bad memories. But I can dig up some good ones too. No matter how much I hate winter, there is nothing more majestic than standing with a co-worker in a cold, silent parking lot as fat flakes flutter down around me (4 days ago, walking out of work) or peeking out the window to witness a sea of blinding white in the early dawn hours before snuggling back into bed (this morning). Or waking up one Saturday morning in late November to a suprise 12 inches (a couple of years ago - we ran outside in our pj's and coats and took a great Xmas card picture). I have to admit snow can be awe-inspiring at times.

And now we have our own driveway. Which has to be shoveled. But we also have our own fireplace. Hotdogs anyone?

Tender Intensity... I will muster it

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 02:04:00 +0000

I'm usually such a nasty skeptic... wanting to believe in magic but generally just complaining and phutzing and harboring negativity. However, when Rob Brezsny issues brilliance such as this... my god, I want to be a believer. In the worst kind of way....

Libra Horoscope for week of January 28, 2010
My theory is that right now the whole world is in ♥ love ♥ with you. In some places, this simmering adoration is bordering on infatuation. Creatures great and small are more apt than usual to recognize what's beautiful and original about you. As a result, wonders and marvels are likely to coalesce in your vicinity. Is there anything you can do to ensure that events unfold in ways that will yield maximum benefits for everyone concerned? Yes: Be yourself with as much tender intensity as you can muster.

Crisis averted.

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 01:43:00 +0000

Sometimes the universe hands you a golden nugget of wonderfulness. My job entails much writing and research about boring topics such as state and federal credit legislation, mortgage industry licensing and our current economic conditions. Needless to say none of this has ever been particularly fulfilling.

But today I randomly stumbled across the work of Jonathan Jarvis. He's a really great visual designer and he has created a brilliant presentation about the credit crisis.

Learn in 11 minutes what I have spent 2 years dicking around with...

The Crisis of Credit Visualized from Jonathan Jarvis on Vimeo.

Read or Die

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 01:05:00 +0000

I remember when I was a teenager we used to scrawl "Sk8 or Die" all over the place. um, yeah, I hung out with a bunch of skate punks. duh. I couldn't care less about skaters these days (although Tony Hawk is aging nicely, no?) but I do still care about making counter culture statements so I have co-opted the sentiment for my own geeky needs.

I went through a period of not reading which is very, very unlike me. When I have to fill out those "About Me" things... for instance on certain social networking websites... I always say "I love books like I love air" in the "favorite books" section. Picking a favorite book feels almost sacriligious. But I digress. I have jumped back on the reading horse with a vengenance and I feel much more well rounded. More complete. Less like I want to commit hari kari when the going gets tough. Hence the catchphrase.

Since the holidays I have read a pile and I thought I would share a thought or two:

Wishin' and Hopin': A Christmas Story by Wally Lamb - This one was really cute and lighthearted. Wally Lamb is an incredible writer. Its about a school year in the life of a kid in the 1960's who is related to Annette Funicello

Company by Max Barry - This was a little less great than all the hype about it but overall it was enjoyable. I won't give away the twist but basically its about a recent biz school grad who gets a job at a company and subsequently discovers that no one knows that the company does or sells.

Jennifer Government by Max Barry - Jennifer Gov't was based on an interesting idea and it was pretty well written but I guess a lot of it was predictable, kind of like Company. I think Max Barry has some original concepts but somehow the execution gets boring.

Generation A by Douglas Coupland - I love Douglas Coupland. This wasn't as fabulous as Microserfs but it was pretty darn good. I read some reviews that said the "themes" were too blatant and kind of shoved down the reader's throat but I really didn't mind. The characters were well developed and I thought the blatantness of the themes actually lent a sense of realism. Its about the not-too-distant future where bees have become extinct and 5 people who randomly get stung.

The Average American Male by Chad Kultgen - AAM is some of the most offensive material I have read since Tucker Max. But I couldn't put it down. I would be horrified... but probably less than suprised... is this is really the kind of stuff that goes on in the minds of men. I'm not sure how/why this kind of misogyny and immaturity is so enticing. I guess its like a trainwreck - you don't want to admit it, but you can't look away.

Apathy and Other Small Victories by Paul Neilan - Not earth shattering but a pretty good read. Pretty chuckle worthy throughout. Its about the hijinks of a slacker who you sort of want to hate but also kind of feel sorry for and a sort of murder mystery he gets himself involved in.

Bitter is the New Black by Jen Lancaster - I just started this one and I have to admit I resisted it for a long time. I thought it was chick lit - in the vein of Jennifer Weiner (who is a great writer but I'm just tired of chick lit). But it turns out she is more like a super snarky Laurie Notaro or a much funnier Chelsea Handler.

2009 Scrapbook

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 00:14:00 +0000

Ok, ok... I know I said I wasn't going to dwell on 2009 (I really wanted to say 'masturbate about 2009' again but I know will make my mother squeal with discomfort.... but now I said it anyway so pipe down mom)... however for posterity's sake, I collected my Facebook statuses from 2009 and have added some commentary. This is really just for me. Not for anyone else. Nostalgia gets the best of me sometimes.

To sum it up, 2009 was full of snark and full of complaints. It is also clear that the year started off with a bang and slowly dwindled to exhaustion. There were a few statuses I didn't include from earlier in the year but its obvious from my lack of interwebs activity that something was up by the end of the summer.

I never really wrote about it and in hindsight its not even worth summarizing. The lesson I learned is that I never want work to take over my life like that again. I like my job and I adore my coworkers but my health and sanity and the health/sanity of my family is far more important than working 25 hours a day, 8 days a week. 'nuff said.

January 2009
was surprised to wake at the crack of noon with only a lil' hangover. Right on, 2009! (hah! little did I know)

is ready to kick Blender in the crotch. Stupid software. feh. (I gave up by the way... it was all part of an ill-conceived and short lived plan to learn digital animation)

New year, same old trip to the emergency room... klutzy kids & ice sk8s don't mix, mom. (the pre-teen years were rife with injury. hopefully as he becomes a teenager he will prove to be sturdier.)

is irascible. (i love a sassy vocab word)

thinks "yer mama" is a great come-back -- especially when you're insulting your own kid. (this is probably proof I am a terrible parent. but ya know what? if its wrong, I don't wanna be right.)

is busy pouring 80 proof down her throat hole. (I think 2009 turned out quit boozey. oh well, no harm done)

just returned from the first trip to NC this week. FIRST?...what?! (went to NC for work. ppl thought I meant I'd never been there before)

To clarify.... not the first trip ever. the first trip THIS WEEK. ;o) (went back 3 days later to visit family/friends)

is packing for this week's Carolina Trip Deux.

is heading off to a 3 day weekend... that probably involves 4 days of driving. hah!

might have a Wii-related injury. (who knew that pretend boxing could really kick one's ass?)

is westward bound very soon. yipeee! (convention in Vegas for work)

"Watch out Vegas! Here I come!!!" (hah! little did I know)

narrowly missed escaping the crappy weather. Too bad for you, East Coast suckahs!!! (home got an epic icestorm while I was in Vegas. mom and Connor were stuck at the house.)

thinks a tripled decker grilled cheese might not have been a good idea. (it wasn't)

February 2009
crashed and burned, Vegas style. (came down with the plague on the flight home from Vegas)

is still sick. no fair.

is getting better. Thank goodness for broad spectrum antibiotics. (Vegas cooties... doctor didn't even know what it was. ewwww.)

loved Coraline, despite Dakota Fanning's annoyingness.

passed the Washington DFI LO exam. I'm more awesomer than you.

Thievery Corp + Nickodemus... woot!!!

March 2009
is hating on the nor'easter.. damn you infernal snow!!!

took no part in the snow, other than driving to work in it.

is counting down the days 'til sxsw. yay!

has the best mom EVER. Really. Your mom can't even compare. Sorry. (she bought me a Kindle)

is on her way to Austin. Woohoo!!!

is tired from her rock-n-roll lifestyle. hah! (sxsw was a blast)

is wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin', plannin' and dreamin'... (had an AWESOME job oppt'y. sadly it was a bust.)

April 2009
"um, WHY do you continue to doubt my brilliance? I'm right every time!" (don't remember what this was about... but really does it matter? the truth is all that matters)

saw a rainbow today. :)

is so disappointed by the ShamWOW guy. Why, Vince? WHY?

is having a pile of beverage. Mondays are the best for getting tore up, no? (this was the beginning of my Summer '09 Odyssey of Alcohol)

would just as soon stab anyone at her web hosting service as look at them - 7 yrs worth of work samples, 4 years of blog entries, email access, & FTP access GONE like it never existed. AND they won't respond to my whining. I hope they rot in hell. (I whined more. they finally restored my crap.)

cough cough oink. j/k! (thought i was being the utmost in funny funny. but my H1N1 H'ween costume was even funnier.)

needs sleep and lots of it. Any insomnia cures that don't require copious amounts of booze on a school nite? (but as I proved time and time again, copious amounts of booze are sometimes the way to go)

May 2009
is now losing sleep over the turkey/Ambien/Nyquil/Benedryl/Bacardi/Planter's/milk cocktail y'all are trying to serve up. shudder.

it is impossible for this day to be any more of a cluster than it has become at this point. (this was increasingly the sentiment of many days in the 2nd half of '09)

is flummoxed by her sudden increase in snack-related injuries.

has learned there are some things that should not be cooked in the crockpot. (some sort of chicken thing my friend gave me the recipe for)

played a no-holds-barred, cut throat game of Bananagrams tonight.

purchased shallow and pointless hair products online this evening. (I won't lie. it was Bump-its.)

has an ouchie sunburn on her ginormous forehead. sweet.

demon pollen! curses! thou hast smited me with your golden hammer!

June 2009
LOVES it when Southwest dangles a dingfare carrot that misses my travel dates by one day. evil bastards.

am I the only one totally grossed out by those ExtenZe commercials?

thinks everyone should be allowed a lil narcissism and the occasional delusion of grandeur.

Humidty! Curses! All my doors are sticking and my hair is bigger than the doorways. :(

Hon Fest was fun... hon. ;o)

is drinking shots on a school nite just to prove a point. thus far.... unproven point 1: Stephanie 0 (Summer '09 Alcohol Odyssey continues...)

dying to sucker punch everyone I know who is on vacation right now. i don't get no stinking vacation this year. pout. whine.

feeling crappy...certain ppl better not have given me swine flu (met friends in DC for nite of fun - 48 hrs later they had a confirmed case of the pig flu. aiieeee!)

July 2009
feeling marginally better - probably just hayfever like I originally suspected. But is it possible to get a mild case of H1N1? Like the Piglet Flu?

anyone care to join my support group? "Sad Chumps Who Are Spending July 3 Between Cubicle Walls" (I was really bitter about this)

Weekend on Solomon's Island wasn't enough to recharge the batteries. Need at least a week or two... or maybe four... I should have four weeks' vacation shouldn't I? YEAH, I should! (Solomon's w/ Mr. Cake was really nice though. I really am a bitcher and moaner, aren't I?)

thought it was Wednesday most of the day.... the discovery that its only Tuesday is a sad epiphany indeed.

August 2009
Is a slamdunk in Teen Jeopardy much of a victory when you're pushing 36?

anxiously awaiting a call about axle replacement... how much can that cost? I mean REALLY? (it really cost THAT much)

An epic treasure hunt? I like the sound of that. (I had read about a treasure hunt hosted by some distillery back in the '70s)

Anyone know how much a weekend @ Shepard Pratt costs? And do they have any mental health programs that include cocktails & foot rubs? No reason... just askin' for a friend. ;o) (my summer really was quite stressful. Little did I know.)

"When plans fail, blaze new trails." Thank you Magic Hat bottlecap.

September 2009
Back from Sactown. It was a lovely wedding! (it really was)

Hello beer. tonight you light up my life. you are the wind beneath my wings. the day to my night. the oh so right to my so, so wrong. please don't change a thing. (someone gave me crap about this post. I replied "but you haven't heard my ode to vodka!")

It was a good day. (one out of 364 ain't bad I s'pose. haha!)

two words: bubblegum vodka. (omg. yes. it really is that good.)

October 2009
is losing her voice. Many now have cause for celebration.

is a french press convert. adios, Mr. Coffee.

(the irony in my Oct posts is that you would never known I had walked through the 10th circle of hell without coming up for air. 2009 in summary sucked for this very reason. But 2009 taught me a lot about myself. And I'm proud of that.)

November 2009
i am a rock. i am an island. (and I was exhausted. I don't even remember November 2009)

December 2009
snow. feh.

Someone pressed >>FFWD on my 2009 mix tape... somewhere around the "June" track.

(That about sums it up.)

New year, new ideals.

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 22:59:00 +0000

It should be no suprise that 2009 whipped by like Usain Bolt on speed. My final Facebook status for the year said "Someone pressed >>FFWD on my 2009 mix tape... somewhere around the "June" track." But I'm over it. Its a new year. No point in masturbating over the fact that 2009 was what it was.

2010 didn't start out as much. I didn't really even make any resolutions. Although in the last few days I have slowing begun crafting some plans. As always, I have the good intention to simplify my life. To wit, just today I refrained from purchasing the beautiful Michael Kors Sloan boots that are featured for 60% off at 6PM.com. Roll your eyes if you must but this is a huge step for me. I had them in the shopping cart. I took them out. I put them back in. Then I remembered I'm actually broke. Shush. It totally counts as fulfilling my simplification resultion if I didn't actually buy them. Update (1/19/10): Ok, so I have an incredibly weak constitution and I will NEVER learn. The boots went on sale for 75% off. So I bought them. They arrived today and I don't like them afterall. I'm returning them and will be out about $20 in shipping. Bad Stephanie! Bad!

Most importantly I'm committed to writing and creating this year. No excuses. No big dreams. Just down and dirty work. I can do it. I know I can, I just need an attitude adjustment about it. For all of 2009 (and most of 2008 for that matter) I dreamed about the "perfect project" and then whined about being too busy to execute. But, I write and create because I NEED to. Because its my purpose. And I have gotten derailed. To wit, I feel purposelessness. And no one likes that. Especially me.

The dull, barfy, douchey stuff I write for work and the utter void of creativity in my life can't continue to sustain me. Its not fair and I simply won't stand for it. I do have to admit that I get a little spark everytime a certain salesperson tells me the edits I make to his sales letters have resulted in something spectacular. But I will never be a copywriter. My soul won't allow it.

And finally, I will refrain from peppering my musings with things like "to wit...." Starting... now.

Gegenshien

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 00:27:00 +0000

"A faint glowing spot in the sky, exactly opposite the position of the sun."

What a fantastic word.

My new favorite website...

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 02:25:00 +0000

Answering the question "Am I Awesome?" with no fluff or useless extras.

I'm tired

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 01:15:00 +0000

So tired.

Summer went by so fast and I feel absolutely lost.

I need to return to goals and a feeling of purposefulness. I want a day where I have a sense of accomplishment. I want my glass half full again.

Slave Labor

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie Cake) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 01:59:00 +0000

Yesterday I escaped my cubicle and sat in my car with the radio on to clear my head. I spent 30 minutes watching the men who are re-asphalting the parking lot at my office complex. While I was getting my jollies of watching semi-naked, very tan men, I started to think that their job must really suck.... its back breaking and thankless.

At the end of the day, there must be some gratification in looking at a completed job... but then they have the whole parking lot stretching out ahead of them which is a lot of work and once they are done, they will have to do it all again because the asphalt doesn't last. It occured to me that my job isn't that much different than an asphalt guy. I just do my job in the AC with more clothing on.