Saturday, July 10, 2010
Momentum
I'm embarrassed to say that its taken me 36 1/2 years to find any reliable source of motivation in myself. Sure, anyone can get psyched about something that seems fun or interesting or something that seems profitable in some way. And I'm no exception. But as a person who overthinks everything, who crumbles in the face of negative feedback and who harbors intense fear and anxiety about ridiculous things, I am my own worst enemy when it comes to making progress.
I've spent my whole life having great ideas but am abysmal at execution. I've been presented with many interesting opportunities but have walked away from more I care to admit out of fear and uncertainty. Oh, and I'm great at making a million and one excuses why something won't work, can't work, shouldn't work, etc.
I like to be right and when it seems like I will fail in that goal I tend to be a brat and walk away rather than face shame or humiliation. That overthinking thing compounds issues since it generally results in paranoia and the manufacturing of imaginary reasons to support my miserable theories.
Recently an acquaintance metaphorically rained on my pity party. Its not the first time he's done it but this time it felt like a wake up call. He's the type of person who is somehow able to inspire, exasperate and infuriate me all at the same time. Probably because he's my exact opposite in a lot of annoying ways and sort of just like me in many other annoying ways.
What his message boiled down to was basically "just do it." I think the exact words might have been "just do it, yo!" HAHA! Thanks Nike, I got it 25 years too late, I guess. Basically it boils down to a combination of brute force and no fear. I think I've been unconsciously working on this for a really long time but I woke up recently and thought to myself, "Self," I said, "You're not getting any younger. You've gotta stop being afraid and stop being a control freak and just DO IT. JUST F-CKING DO IT, ALREADY. STOP BEING A QUITTER. AND STOP MAKING EXCUSES." (yes, I really do talk to myself that way... its a shame I rarely listen.)
Forget comfort zones. Of all the times I've taken a chance, only a minority of those times have resulted in utter catastrophe... and none of them have been life or death, or else I wouldn't be here having this conversation. Many of those chances have been memorable experiences and some of them have even been great successes.
Forget fear and paranoia. All my life people have asked me, "what's the worst that could happen?" And most of my life I've manufactured the most insane possibilities... some of which can and have happened but most of which can't and won't. And even when they do, I have yet to face any real, earth shattering peril.
Forget control. Life is chaotic. Its impossible to control everything; and there's no use getting upset when things don't go a certain way. Trying too hard usually results in things going exactly the opposite anyway.
I like to think of things in a scientific and logical way. Which is all well and good... until you introduce emotions in the wrong way, at the wrong time. I've been a victim of my very own special wrong way/wrong time lately. It leads to frustration and annoys the crap out of other people. That certainly isn't doing me any favors.
So long story short... no fear. brute force. JUST F-CKING DO IT, YO!
I've spent my whole life having great ideas but am abysmal at execution. I've been presented with many interesting opportunities but have walked away from more I care to admit out of fear and uncertainty. Oh, and I'm great at making a million and one excuses why something won't work, can't work, shouldn't work, etc.
I like to be right and when it seems like I will fail in that goal I tend to be a brat and walk away rather than face shame or humiliation. That overthinking thing compounds issues since it generally results in paranoia and the manufacturing of imaginary reasons to support my miserable theories.
Recently an acquaintance metaphorically rained on my pity party. Its not the first time he's done it but this time it felt like a wake up call. He's the type of person who is somehow able to inspire, exasperate and infuriate me all at the same time. Probably because he's my exact opposite in a lot of annoying ways and sort of just like me in many other annoying ways.
What his message boiled down to was basically "just do it." I think the exact words might have been "just do it, yo!" HAHA! Thanks Nike, I got it 25 years too late, I guess. Basically it boils down to a combination of brute force and no fear. I think I've been unconsciously working on this for a really long time but I woke up recently and thought to myself, "Self," I said, "You're not getting any younger. You've gotta stop being afraid and stop being a control freak and just DO IT. JUST F-CKING DO IT, ALREADY. STOP BEING A QUITTER. AND STOP MAKING EXCUSES." (yes, I really do talk to myself that way... its a shame I rarely listen.)
Forget comfort zones. Of all the times I've taken a chance, only a minority of those times have resulted in utter catastrophe... and none of them have been life or death, or else I wouldn't be here having this conversation. Many of those chances have been memorable experiences and some of them have even been great successes.
Forget fear and paranoia. All my life people have asked me, "what's the worst that could happen?" And most of my life I've manufactured the most insane possibilities... some of which can and have happened but most of which can't and won't. And even when they do, I have yet to face any real, earth shattering peril.
Forget control. Life is chaotic. Its impossible to control everything; and there's no use getting upset when things don't go a certain way. Trying too hard usually results in things going exactly the opposite anyway.
I like to think of things in a scientific and logical way. Which is all well and good... until you introduce emotions in the wrong way, at the wrong time. I've been a victim of my very own special wrong way/wrong time lately. It leads to frustration and annoys the crap out of other people. That certainly isn't doing me any favors.
So long story short... no fear. brute force. JUST F-CKING DO IT, YO!
Friday, July 02, 2010
Where am I? WHO am I?
You ever have a thoroughly disconcerting experience? One that throws you for a loop? You walk through the eye of a hurricane with a blank-faced stare and you come out the other end still not sure what hit you? Not sure whether you're supposed to cry tears of joy or tears of pain... or... wait why am I crying at all?
I've had that kind of week. I feel blindsided. And I have to keep asking myself why I feel that way. I think its because I haven't felt properly in control of my decisions or destiny in a long time.
Yesterday was the first day of the rest of 2010. And I think today marked the big reveal - the thing that I'm still in the dark about but that is going to write the denoument of my story for the rest of the year.
Confused about this post? Yeah. Me too.
I've had that kind of week. I feel blindsided. And I have to keep asking myself why I feel that way. I think its because I haven't felt properly in control of my decisions or destiny in a long time.
Yesterday was the first day of the rest of 2010. And I think today marked the big reveal - the thing that I'm still in the dark about but that is going to write the denoument of my story for the rest of the year.
Confused about this post? Yeah. Me too.
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